I am not Special

There was a time when I thought I was special, unique…alone. I thought my life’s challenges, and my subsequent struggle to endure its pain was, well let’s just be honest here; worse than the average Joe’s. This belief that my pain was somehow special or worse than those around me was my response to the unexpected and difficult situation I found myself in. The particulars of my own personal saga are not important here, let’s just say aspects of my life would make for a great movie. (Not one of those romantic comedies either. Definitely a drama, with scattered scenes verging towards horror.)

I played the game of comparison. Comparing my life to the white-washed picket fences our culture drives us to construct around the messiness of our lives…not smart. When undergoing this scrutiny next to the seemingly perfect lives of those around me in my mostly middle class suburban world, I almost always seemed to lose.

I learned a lesson when I was younger that I seemed to have forgotten to bring with me into adulthood. I was once spending time at a friend’s house, a friend whose family was the epitome of “perfect” to my fourteen year old eyes. Suddenly, the family seemed to erupt into World War Three! There was yelling, screaming, carrying on and even a few threats I think. Aside from being shocked and embarrassed that I was witnessing this family out of control, I remember a feeling of satisfaction come over me. I wasn’t the only one! I had thought only my family was dysfunctional! Unfortunately, this lesson did not stick, and only now am I re-learning and believing it.

The results of my belief that I was somehow special in my pain have resulted in two scenarios. 1. Puffed up self righteous martyrdom and 2. Drowning sea of self pity. I can assure you, neither served me well. The former left me floating so far above my fellow humans that even the thought of discussing my circumstances seemed distasteful. “How could they understand?” The latter so low, so low. “Why should they care, much less want to help?”

And Yet, I have slowly come to understand that far from my painful circumstances removing me from my fellow humans, it is precisely that thing which brings me closest. Beyond the white washed fences, the impressive cars, the frozen smiles, there is that which is our collective humanity. Our pain. There exists there, not only our pain, but what is most gloriously us…our ability to live and love and learn during our most painful moments.

Now, when life becomes overwhelming and I think I cannot endure, I remember that I am not special. In that moment I join with my fellow humans and live and love and learn. I do, indeed, endure.