this i believe

katie - elmirage, Arizona
Entered on May 13, 2009
Age Group: Under 18
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My name is Katie. I’m 15 years old. When I was little I always watched TV. No matter what was on. Except for the news, frontline on PBS, and other stations that I didn’t like. I had never understood the word suicide when I was little. It wasn’t until I was about 12 or 13 years old that I finally started watching the news and all the other TV stations that I never watched when I was little. One Tuesday night me and my mom were watching nova, a science show that came on every Tuesday. When nova was over Frontline was on and the topic was something about online websites like MySpace, Face book, and all those other chat room websites. I was interested to see what it would be about. So me and my mom watched it.

The show started talking about the online websites. It was really interesting, kids talking about things on the internet and possibly in dangering themselves because of online predators. Though I had already known about that. Some of the kids that were interviewed were keeping secrets from their parents. I was shocked myself, because I keep secrets from my parents as well but they end up finding out about them later. As the show progressed it went to talking about a father who had lost his son because his son had committed suicide. I was amazed and shocked cause then, at that exact moment I found out what suicide, meant. Suicide meant killing ones self. Or at least that’s what I think it means. I felt sorry for the father. His son had hung himself.

I never thought about killing myself because I’ve always had something that will lift me from my bad thoughts. But for the first time in my life I felt like killing myself because my life was not so good at the time when I thought about killing myself. But before I had even thought about it I had cut myself on my arm. I wanted to make my self bleed but I couldn’t do it. I still have the scars. But when I look at my arm today, don’t see the scars anymore. They’re gone. Though I think back to what I was thinking about killing myself. I didn’t know how I should kill myself. Than I could have sworn I heard a voice telling me no don’t kill your self. And I listened. So I called one of my friends about 2 weeks after all of my dark thoughts and told him about my thoughts. And he told me that it’s a good thing that I didn’t kill myself. So he told me to live life to its fullest and he had told me that about a million times when he was still at Dysart high school. I listened to what he had to say and to this day I keep thanking him for what he told me. I still get the dark thoughts in my head but I don’t listen to them because I have other things to do then figure out a way to kill myself. I want to live life to the fullest and have fun. Though every day I get closer to dying or being killed but I keep telling my self that I will not kill my self. Because if I did that all my friends and family would miss me. An d I don’t think that teenagers realize how much their parents love them until they do something stupid like doing drugs, or killing themselves. I believe in life. Living it to the fullest and not killing yourself because if you do that you’ll just be hurting those that love you. Life. That is what I believe in.