I believe that life isn’t always fair.
On a Monday, just another day in the month of October, 2007. A cool, low tide breeze flowed, the sun shone, and I headed into work. Cardiac care unit, floor three, that’s me. Monday through Thursday, and every other weekend. The joys of telemetry monitors, and constant CPR, yet I love it. Sitting with a post surgical patient, a little tired and hungry, when my name was called by our unit secretary. I had a phone call. “Hello, this is Vanessa” I answered in an upbeat voice, in case it was my nursing supervisor on the other line. “Ness? You need to meet me in the ER, can you take a break?” I heard my mother, And I knew something was wrong. My pulse quickly jumped, was it my son, Aiden? Did he fall? was he hurt? My mind was a hurricane of ideas, sloshing around like a blender. “Of course, I’ll be right down” I responded, and quickly made my way to the stairs. Leaping two steps at a time, I rushed to the ER, finally catching sight of my mom, who with rings around her eyes was crying. “Who’s here?” I asked, praying it wasn’t my son. “No one honey, but I think you need to sit down.” My blood pressure reached abnormal limits, as I took a deep breath. “It’s Casey, Ness, He‘s gone“. She needed to say nothing more. My gut told me the rest, my husband was dead. The feeling of nausea and dizziness wafted over my body, as my limbs went numb. It was a feeling of my entire world crashing down beneath me. She was going on with the details, but I heard nothing, nothing but the sounds of my own sobbing, and heartbreak. “The police found him in his room, he wasn’t breathing, and they couldn’t revive him. Ness I’m so sorry”. Was this a nightmare? My imagination? It must be a mistake, But it was I who was wrong, this was for real, and Casey was gone. I thought back to our conversation the night before “ I’ll talk to you tomorrow, sweet dreams”. I never thought it’d be our last conversation. “Pending an autopsy” the medical examiners office told me. “Probably an overdose“ others assumed. As my tears fell like raindrops from above, I thought about the last time I told him I loved him, but did he really know? What about our son? I had never imagined single parenting. I figured we’d be together forever. But forever never came for us. As I sat side by side with my mother in-law, hand in hand, tissue in the other, we wrote Casey’s obituary. The hardest piece of writing, is that of a loved one after they’re gone. I had never felt so empty, so meaningless, or so alone in my life. My best friend, my lover, my husband, was gone, and was never to return. It didn’t seem fair, and I wasn’t ready to let him go.