Forgiving and Forgetting

I believe in the power of forgiveness. Sometimes it’s hard to give someone a second chance, or even a third, fourth, or so many chances that you’ve lost count, but you do it because you love them. You may cry and scream and swear that you will never EVER forgive that person for doing this to you yet again, but you do anyway. You say it doesn’t even matter anymore, that you don’t expect them to ever change, but, in reality, when they disappoint you all over again, they hurt you more than anyone else ever could. It’s like trying to walk into the waves of the ocean; you fall down and when you think the coast is clear, you stand back up, only to get knocked down again. You’ll probably go through this endless cycle for the rest of your life; because when the person you need to forgive is your father, what other choice do you have?

Am I sure that I’m actually forgiving and not just forgetting? No I’m not sure, but I’d like to believe that I have enough love in my heart to truly and deeply forgive him instead of just seeing past his wrongdoings. I believe he is the reason I have issues with commitment; I have a hard time trusting people when I’ve never really known trust within my own father. I’ve accepted that, but I’m still bitter about it. Does that make me a bad person? No, I don’t think it does, it just means that I still get to be angry about some things. I’ve pushed a lot of bad experiences to the back of my mind, I’ve blocked things out that I didn’t even know I blocked out until it was mentioned, and all I can usually remember is the stinging of tears. So maybe it’s forgetting, but if you’ve forgotten, haven’t you forgiven?

Hope is a major factor in forgiveness. When I feel like there’s nothing else, I still have hope. I can hope that someday he’ll change for good. I can hope that some miracle will happen and we’ll become a happy family. I have to have hope that there will be a change for the better.