I believe in Television.
I am a minister of Television. There are many of my kind, but every single one of us is needed. The parish of Television is gigantic. Our God is demanding. We follow 12 disciples, the 12 global international conglomerates who control every part of our services. We work hard for their salvation. We work relentlessly for Profit.
I believe in the one and only Bible.
It is globally used and has two parts: the Budget and the Revenue. We never stop reading this book of the Law, but day and night think of what it says, so we can be careful to do everything written in it; then we will prosper and succeed.
I believe in the value of symbols.
The 12 disciples of Profit have outlined a successful strategy. The fundament is Capitalism, and crosses and crucifixes are replaced with Brands. Brands are the most powerful symbols the world has ever seen. By the time you are 65 you will have seen them in more than two million TV commercials. Brands are the true way to Profit.
I believe in the Seven Deadly Sins.
Brands need a large public to thrive. The ministers all over the world struggle to find a common denominator in order to gather the biggest herds possible to our Services. The era of enlightenment is over. Now there is entertainment. We banalize, we commercialize, we sensationalize and above all we simplify. The seven deadly sins are seriousness, thoroughness, reality, complexity, intellectuality, diversity and reason. There are many ways to avoid committing these sins. The children in our parish have seen 8,000 murders on TV by the time they have finished elementary school, and by age 18 they will have seen more than 200,000 violent acts.
I believe in worshipping
Our parish worships and joins our services every day. We keep both evenings and weekends holy. The disciples are grateful for our God’s achievements in America. American households spend an average of 8 hours and eleven minutes on our services every day. We have no trouble with the first commandment: “You shall have no other gods than me.” People don’t have time.
I believe in the future.
Seventy percent of all Americans get almost all of their information about the world and their surroundings from us. Children spend twice as much time attending our services as they do listening to their teachers in school. More than half of kindergarten children prefer watching us to spending time with their fathers. Our prospects are greater than ever.
I believe in an almighty Television.
The Television is the conqueror across all ages, all cultures and all borders, and no army is able to defeat it. No one wants to either. After all, we control and distort your perception of reality to the advantage of the Power.
May Profit be with us.