A Beautiful Angel

Kelly - pawtucket, Rhode Island
Entered on April 24, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: death, family
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A beautiful Angel

I believe that things in life happen for a reason and I feel as if everything falls apart so everything else can fall back together again. April 26, 2008 a Saturday evening I lost the most important person in my life because of a shooting. My big brother Helder was shot and killed at a local park in Central Falls. I believe loosing my brother was all part of god’s plan. Loosing my brother made me realize that life is to short and that we treat this life of ours like we have a spear in the trunk. Death made me realize you need to cherish the people you have in your life now before it is to late. I believe life isn’t fair at all and all bad things happen to those who are innocent. I believe god didn’t put us in this world for no reason and I believe one day everyone will find that reason.

My brother and I had such a strong bond, a bond that could not be broken. Even though he is gone, I feel our bond is still stronger then ever. I know my brother isn’t here physically but mentally I know he is and that’s what gives me the strength to get through my days. When I lost my brother I realized life at that point would never be the same for me again, and honestly its not. When I first got the call I thought to myself, “I can’t continue living knowing he’s not either”. He was such a big part of my life. I didn’t love anyone as much as I loved my brother Helder. I feel like the happy half of me is gone, no one was there for me the way he was, no matter what the situation was, my brother never failed to be there for me nor did he ever let me go through anything alone. Now who’s going to be here for me? I believe I will never find another like him and it kills me.

It’s almost making a year that I’ve lost my brother. I choose not to believe my brother is gone. I’m in denial, and it sucks. It sucks because one day it’s just going to finally hit me hard and I’m not going to be able to accept it. At this point on, I feel as if he’s just out there hanging around and he’ll be coming by soon with that big smile of his, saying “what’s good lil sis” and giving me the biggest hug like he always gave me and kisses on the cheek. I don’t understand why he had to go so soon, he was only 19 years old; he didn’t even get to live life. It just wasn’t his time, the timing was completely wrong. It doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. He had a lot more to live for and that all got taken away from him. Hopefully all of this will fall into place. At this moment I’m lost and I don’t understand life.

I’ll never forget my brother; he was the realest, kind hearted, opened minded, beautiful person inside and out. He was the only person I knew would never let me down, he was always right behind me through everything. Everyday, all day I catch myself thinking about the way I had las0t seen him. It hurts me to think about it because he didn’t look like himself at all. I really didn’t want to remember him like that and now I’m stuck with this image. If only I could go back into time, everything would be different he would still be here. It sucks that I have to look back on memories and photos, but I will cherish them both as long as I live.

This year I’ve caught myself so many times needing him. It’s been a tough year and without his support, I been struggling to get by my days. I’m a senior in high school and it kills me to know when I’m graduating and he won’t be there. He is my motivation to do everything. I will continue to live my life in dedication of him. I just want to make him proud because I know he is looking down on me. My beautiful angel Helder.