I’m Just Waiting for Everyone Else

Samantha - Metuchen, New Jersey
Entered on April 1, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
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Sometimes I feel like I’m at a bar concert. Where everyone is two feet taller than I am and I’m pushed all the way in the back; past the bar, in between the men and women’s bathrooms. And every time I try to get past everyone, I get pushed back. And every time I jump to see what everyone is seeing, they grow more. It’s like, what the hell do I have to do?

Many people have the answer to that. Just become a boy and you can love a girl and you’ll be fitting in just fine. They just don’t get, I’m happy with what I got. I don’t need to add anything to my body or take anything away. Not all lesbians want to be boys. Don’t get me wrong, some do. But a lot, don’t.

Last year I had this argument with a kid at school. He told me to just get a sex change and I won’t have any problems. Then he and his friends sat in their seats snickering. Everything out of their mouths was just stupid.

I’ve realized my life is going to be hard. It won’t be the last time I’ll ever have this argument. My name won’t matter to people, because when I’m with my girlfriend, I’ll be called ‘Dyke.’ And forget about marriage. I’ll be civil unioned. My wife will have to adopt the kids, I’ll have. And I’ll have to do the same for her. My kids will hear things they won’t need to, and my life will constantly be judged by people I don’t even know. My rights are supposed to be something sacred. But how can they be when I don’t have a lot?

I look around and see people who will be able to have a family and not have to worry about the legality of it all. And I’m jealous. Don’t get me wrong, I am an out and PROUD lesbian, but if there was a pill to make me straight, I’d take it. Much like any other lesbian. And that’s the thing; we shouldn’t have to change to be accepted. It’s ridiculous to see in 2009 Proposition 8 being passed in California eliminating gay and lesbian marriages and leaving hundreds to thousands marriages in limbo.

I don’t have to change. It’s not the LGBT community that’s the problem because we have all the same problems straight people do. Go ahead and ask me about a time my girlfriend and I got into a fight over something stupid, or ask within these last two years what our best anniversary was. I can name it all. It’s not me who has to change. It’s the world. If there were two pills, one to make me straight or one to make the world better and more accepting, I’d take the second option. So maybe one day I’ll be able to see what band is playing in that damn bar but for now, I guess I’m stuck in the back.