Forgiveness Means Letting Go of the Past
“ Forgiveness means letting go of the past”. And with this essay I am able to let go of all the past hurt and anger and cherish all the happy moments that I hold in my heart.
My grandfather died a year ago on February 4th. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer right after Christmas. I remember clearly the day my mom came back from the doctor’s office. Her face was streaked with tears and her eyes filled with a sadness I had never known before. She took me into the bedroom and told me that the doctor had found cancerous cells in my grandfather’s body. At that moment I didn’t even know what to say. My mind was so jumbled that I don’t even think I clearly knew what having cancer meant. All I knew was that it was hard and you had to fight with all your heart to win.
The day my mom and I left my grandparent’s house my grandpa gave me a hug like he had never given me before. It was like he knew what was going to happen to him. And he was right. That was the last time I saw my grandpa.
I came back to Holton and lived out my life normally. Of course my mom kept in contact with my grandfather. She called every day to see how all the numerous test results had come out. My grandpa lived one month knowing he had cancer. He didn’t even have a chance to have chemotherapy or radiation or anything.
The morning my aunt called to tell me that he was dying, my family and I immediately left to see him. We weren’t even 6 hours into the trip when we got a call saying he had died.
I had never cried at a funeral before. I remember not even wanting to go to them because I didn’t like to see the sadness that covered everyone’s faces. This time around I was the one that felt the sadness and hurt. When they were getting ready to put him in the ground, I felt that sadness that all those people at funerals that I had gone to before had felt. And I felt something else to. I felt anger. I felt anger towards my grandfather for dying. I was angry with him for not fighting. I was angry with him for not thinking about us when he gave up and took his last breath. Part of me also felt angry with myself for not being able to save him from dying.
I now believe that all the anger I felt was because I didn’t feel ready to let my grandpa go. But today I am ready to let him go. I will never forget him. And I will love him always. But today I let go of the past and I am finally able to say that I forgive him. And I will never forget him. This I believe.