Confusion

Maya - Frankfort, Kentucky
Entered on February 26, 2009
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: birth
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Meet. Drink. One night stand. Get pregnant. Have kid. Give her away. That is the story of my birth. I have and will always wonder if I was just a mistake. I will never know the love of my birth mother or the wisdom of my father. My mother is still active in my life but my father… he doesn’t know my name; does he know I exist, would he even care?

I never new much about what went on before I was born. I was always bothered by the lack of information. It seemed to leave a small hole in my mind.

The day after I started this paper I read the first line to my mom, and she asked me if Jilda my birth mom had ever told me the actual story of how I was conceived. I asked her what she meant and this is what she said: “Your birth mom and her husband used to go to a club where two couples would have sex with the others partner. The couples would only know the first names of the other couple”. My birth mom would only tell me his first name and what he looked like. This isn’t the story I heard from birth mom and I wish I knew why. Maybe she will eventually tell me or maybe she won’t.

I keep thinking I have come to accept my birth but I just keep emotionally pushing the problem back. I always thought there was nothing I could try to find out about who my father was but I have a chance. Now I don’t know what I should do or say. There is this constant battle going on in my mind about whether I want to try to find him or not.

My parents have told me they tried to contact him but due to confidentiality, the club can’t give out much information. My mom’s lawyer asked the person running the club to pass a letter on to my birth father explaining to him what had happened. We may never know if he really passed it on or not.

In writing this paper I have found out many new things about how my life. I now have a chance, a small one, but still a chance to find my birth father. My thoughts and opinions have begun to change. I believe that who my father is was a mistake, but I know without a doubt that my life is not and never will be a mistake. One may have problems in their life but it is up to you whether or not you allow your life is a mistake. It mostly depends on what you decide to do with your time.