Suzie - woolwich, New Jersey
Entered on February 22, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: change, love, setbacks
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I used to be pretty. I used to be thin. I used to be completely happy and excited to start something new. I used to feel anger, rage, joy, and laughter. Now I am different. I am not a terrible, lifeless person but life is harder then it was before. And people who do not know me say that it is just a part of growing up. But the few people the know me, truly, deeply know me, know that he destroyed me. He took my heart and soul and buried it deep down into the earth.

It started as a normal high school relationship. We met at a party and were introduced by a mutual friend. He was kind, strong, funny, and two years older then me. After the party we began to talk in school, and then after, and then we couldn’t stand to be apart. Saying goodbye got harder every time. We both fell in love.

The love lasted. That became the problem. We were fine, better then fine, for a year and a half. I had never felt so loved, so wanted, in my entire life. I had other boyfriends in the past but none as intense. He made me feel free and full of life. But, like I said, after a year and a half everything changed. Actually he changed. He was angrier and it seemed like he couldn’t smile anymore. Nothing made him happy and everything I did seemed to make it worse. He was lost and I wasn’t sure if he could ever be found again.

His personality change was affecting me. I became unfocused and tired all the time. School became hard, which it had never been before. My mother was too busy with her life to notice mine. So I put up with the torture until, all at once, everyone noticed.

I never blamed him. I should have but I couldn’t. He took everything and yet I couldn’t blame him, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. So after that night, I changed. Then came the therapist and the medication. Then came the inability to feel true emotion and with that, the ability to put on a mask and hide. After that night, I began the struggle that will last forever.

So I believe that every ones yesterday affects tomorrow. I believe that today is a struggle to breath. But more then anything I believe in tomorrow. I know that one day I can look at my yesterday and live on.