I believe that trying so hard to be thin and beautiful brings out a real ugliness.
Since 8th grade I’ve had an obsession with losing weight. I’ve always thought that if I lose weight I can gain more confidence and contentment. I can wear more clothes and feel confident and look like the girls in the pictures I place all over my locker, notebooks and other personal belongings.
Twiggy and Edie Sedgwick are two females I admire. I see them in all of my favorite underground and vintage art and fashion magazines. They look happy and loved. They look like they live exciting lives. Both women were celebrated for their beauty, unique style and witty personalities. And they were so skinny and looked so confident.
After constantly seeing these images and having these strong ideas that someday I can be like these women, I came to the strange and crazy conclusion that because these two were thin they had the confidence to wear anything and feel great and be content and be celebrated by others for doing so. I would love to be recognized for being beautiful and unique. The skinnier I am the more confident I will be to showcase myself, my personality, my style and hopefully be cherished for my creativity.
Such sayings I lived by as, “Eating is conforming,” “An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist but ordinary’s just not good enough today,” and “An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person” cultivated my morals inside my mind.
Beauty is all I ever think about; it’s all I ever hear. I’m so obsessed with beauty, I’ve done some ugly things to try to preserver and lose this unwanted weight I so desperately hate. I’ve left marks all around my waist that are slowly going away. I’ve left my mind in shattered pieces and my principles and priorities distorted.
I’ve went through different phases in my life. Detoxes and diet plans, pills and constant purges, starving and binging, endless excruciating exercises and running routines. Though I’ am recovering from these monstrous moments, I still posses some demons inside of me that need to be set free.
There are days where I can’t concentrate and all I seem to think about is my weight. I can’t leave my room without putting on a mask or an act. Without make-up or hair products neatly applied and instead of studying or completing crucial assignments, I’ll spend my time exercising and obsessing.
My obsession has made a mess in my mind. I can’t see what others see. When people tell me I’m thin, and beautiful I think they’re lying.
Trying so hard to be thin and beautiful have formed terrible physical and mental scars on me that have yet to fully heal.
I believe that my obsession with being thin and with beauty has left me with excruciating ugly effects.
Oscar Wilde once said, “Beauty is a form of genius…,” Though what was his definition of beauty? Was it altered and ugly as mine?