Never Forgive You
It was not too late for some relatives or friends to show up. I often expected my parents to have company on Friday afternoons. Hanging out between tall orange trees was one peaceful part of my life. I was watching young green small oranges, and I knew, just like me, they were enjoying fresh air of the village in foothills of Alborz Mountains in Northern Iran. Suddenly a knock on our front door brought me back from day-dreaming to reality. As soon as I opened the door, I saw my dad’s best friend, Behrooz, standing there with a big black suit-case and his exhausted face. Behrooz and my father talked for less than ten minutes and then he left. I asked my father what was the story of the suit-case and why he left it with us!
Effects of my conversation as a nine-year-old child with my father have remained in my mind ever since. He said Behrooz’s younger brother, who was imprisoned for three years had been executed with thousands of others by Khomeini’s regime, due to their political views. Behrooz was told by the officials that his family cannot hold a funeral or mourning for their loved one’s death in any public way for at least a year. Also, they never told Behrooz where his brother was buried. The government had taken away the prisoners’ visiting hours for about six months before the massacre. They called Behrooz to pick up his brother’s belongings a few days after his execution and he wanted to keep this secret to himself from their old mother and his brother’s wife. Today, I think about what my father told me that day, what I have experienced, what my future may look like, and how I could possibly believe in God. Even if the universe had a creator, he had left us long time before Jesus or Mohammad was born. He was gone before the war in Vietnam, the Holocaust Tragedy, atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, mass murders by Idi Amin, and many other unforgettable events. After all, I have to face this ugly world and I can choose to remain silent, close my eyes, and deny all objective moral values; but I cannot forgive one. He is the absolute reason that I am here, carrying constant pain for as long as I live. He chose his right over mine because of his ignorant being. He gave me no choice just like nobody gave it to him. “I will never forgive you father for the moment you celebrated my life, the birth of my suffering.”