Silent Thoughts

Lisa - Cary, Illinois
Entered on January 21, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: death, family

I believe in silent thoughts. There are many thoughts every day that I don’t share. When people ask me about them… I lie. I don’t want to share for many reasons. So these silent thoughts stay silent. It all started last spring when my whole life got turned upside down.

Why I don’t tell the truth of these silent thoughts is because if I do I will be thrown into talking to therapists that I don’t want to talk to. I will get the looks from people that say poor Lisa. I hate it. I hate when people treat me differently because of last spring.

I have a cousin; he is my best friend and one of my most favorite people in the world. We grew up together knowing everything about each other. We are 6 months apart and were never separated. If you thought of Lisa you thought of Josh if you thought of Josh you thought of Lisa. There wasn’t one without the other. Well now there is. My Josh died. He’s gone. The week he was in the hospital dying I was with him as much as possible. That week I was forced at school and other places to talk to strangers about it. If I was going to talk about it, it was going to be to my friends who knew Josh. So I learned to believe in silent thoughts. When I talked to the therapists I lied the whole time just so I could get out of there. It wasn’t fair that I was forced to talk to them. They don’t know Josh.

Finally they stopped talking to me. I gave a eulogy at his funeral and I made everyone cry. My mom said she loved my eulogy because she knew I would be ok. And I was doing… better but the pain still burns it’s still in my heart. I hurt thinking about him. I miss him so much. But when I feel like talking about it people feel awkward when and I can sense it. I much rather you listen and ask me questions. I hated going back to school after he died and people would just treat me differently. Most wouldn’t even ask how he died they just knew he did and didn’t want to upset me by asking but by not asking it was worse. So I kept my thoughts silent.

I think about Josh all the time. Those thoughts are kept silent. When I’m in a big group and something happens that reminds me of a funny story with Josh I keep my thoughts silent. If I tell the funny story everyone feels awkward. I hate it. Why as human beings do we feel weird when people talk about they’re tragedies.

I wish Josh were still with me. I thought for the longest time that since me and Josh came into the world together maybe we will leave together. I honestly thought I would die within 6 months of him. I kept that thought silent. I now am sad because the longer I go without him the more I miss him and the more I forget his smile, his smell, his laugh. It hurts. But I keep that thought silent. No one wants to hear me complain. I keep my thoughts silent.

People after his death claimed to be his best friend and be so close to him. I would get so mad by the amount of people who just knew his name who would say this. I didn’t have the guts to tell them to stop so I kept my thoughts silent.

When it comes to Josh I will never be able to let all my thoughts out. I will forever keep my thoughts silent.