On a gorgeous Sunday morning I found myself tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I pulled on clothing and walked outside my brother’s apartment only to find the city that never sleeps, fast asleep. It was 5 AM, the sun was just coming up and New York City was completely empty. I got on my biked and peddled down the sidewalk, alone in a concrete wasteland. Not a soul walked the streets, shops were closed, and only the occasionally taxi sped by. After a little while passed, and the city filled up again, I truly understood how precious that moment I spent by myself was.
I believe in the harmony, the harmony between good and bad. I believe if New York was not so chaotic and convoluted, that the single moment of peace and silence I had, would not have been so beautiful. If the night were not so dark the morning sun would not be as stunning when it rises. Taking the bad along with the good are words I try to live by. This struggle between darkness and light is very close to my heart and very personal.
As a child I was always happy and light-hearted toward everyone I met. As I grew older and became a teenager I found myself battling more than just teen angst. I suffered from depression. To me depression is not a feeling as much as it is an illness. You constantly feel bad for yourself but at the same time hate yourself for being so self-centered. It’s a vicious cycle and always gets worse before it gets better. For years I fought to get out of what seem like a black pit of my own despair. Some days were worse than others but no matter how hard it was just to get up in the morning I fought to put on a mask and blend in with everyone else. Although I fooled most people around me, faking my own happiness never helped, it only worsened how I felt inside.
As you might be able see today I am much better but I still struggle with depression and I will for the rest of my life. Only when I see that my life isn’t perfect do I feel better about it. I know I have to learn to take on the bad days so that the good days shine so much brighter. I know I am not perfect, far from it, but I do know that my own imperfections make my good qualities that much more unique. Now I no longer search for perfection, I search for a balance, one that lets me be okay with who I am and lets me be content, maybe even happy, with the world around me. This I believe.