…forthright writing without restriction can present one’s self a lesson.

I’m sitting here trying to write this “This I Believe…” paper for my Contemporary Studies class. I have become sidetracked for a moment, great chances are this will happen several times throughout the duration of me writing this paper. This happens to me a lot, it is a main reason why I rarely ever do or finish my homework, and why I have always done much worse than I could have in school. I believe I know what I would like to write about. I was thinking that I would write a paper on how I believe in possibilities, I’ve always had this looming in my mind, and this paper seemed like a good place to express it. Right here I have hit a road block; I have no clue what I am going to write about next. This is the first time I have ever written like this to try to do my paper, I am not sure if it is working or not. It seemed like a viable option to get something done, rather than my usual nothing at all. I have heard a couple places of people writing like this and thus far into my writing of this I am starting to believe this is a much more conventional form of writing than making a complete structure of my paper, planning out ever paragraph with a web, writing it, going through editing, etc. It reminds me of Mark Twain. He had once said in a letter to a friend, “I apologize for the length of this letter, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter.” We have actually talked about this in the Contemporary Studies class in which I am writing my “This I Believe…” essay for. I admit though, I hadn’t known the exact words of though quote, so I used Google to find it out. I believe Google is a great source of education, far greater than that of a high school’s. If I sat on Google all day with a determination to continuously read pages that came up, I would have a better education in a month than I do with this four-year campaign I am now finishing, hopefully. Once again, I have been distracted, twice in a row. First, by my longing for a meaningful conversation or something that will throw an interesting spark into my life via Myspace. Second, by my bewildered family calling for my help in urgent matters that honestly should contain no urgency. The few preceding sentences of this thought chain writing I’m committing to right now hold several things I could talk about; my education and distraction being one. I have really failed myself in high school on an educational credential level. I believe I have learned a whole heap during my duration of high school, I have no doubt that had I applied myself to school work, social life, and sports more aptly I would have gained much, much, much more knowledge. Though, I still have gained a great amount. If I got to start my freshmen year over again, I would change much. I am in no way saying I regret where I am in my life right now, I’m getting my train back on the rails. I am saying I had so much potential, still do, though I pursued a lot of relationships, events, attitudes, classes, etc. in the wrong way. By doing so, I have learned a lot I could use in my future, but there is only one life I get to live, I’m not so sure what there is afterward, and I fervently believe that my current situation could be pedestalized had I taken a second and thought situations out, if I would have made more of an effort, if I wouldn’t have sidetracked myself so much, if I would’ve used this determination that I always tell myself I have, if I wouldn’t have made excuses, and so many more “ifs” that I should’ve done. My freshmen year was par, to the standards I’ve always told myself I had they were quite double bogey though. I ruined my sophomore year academically, my grade point average that year is what haunts my accumulative grade point average and is holding me back from even the mere idea of being in the top ten percentage of my class. My junior year was reverted from my sophomore year, though I didn’t use my GPE here either. I came into my senior year telling myself, “This will be your year. You are the President of Student Council, you are the Co-Captain of the Soccer team, you are going to get a wonderful girlfriend whom you can share yourself with and can progress with even if you have to separate after high school, you are going to start a clothing business with your great ideas, you are going to start making films with your great ideas, you are going to have a good chance at Snowcoming King because everyone is going to see who you truly are, you are going to accomplish many things of the sort, whatever you see fit, and you are going to make this drastic turn around academically and hit that 4.0 that you haven’t reached yet in high school.” … I was Co-Captain of the Soccer team, that didn’t even make it passed districts. I believe thus far, I’ve failed myself and my aspirations. I believe it is easy for me to fail myself. I have no clue why I let it happen, fore the only conscious fear that I know of of mine is long-term failure. Yet, I fail myself. I have never yet been this honest out loud, and this isn’t even out loud, it’s on a Textedit window of my Macintosh computer. I’ve told myself this in my thoughts and whatnot, but have yet to tell this to any person, the biggest strangers or closest to me. It is odd that it is able to come out so easy like this, considering I have only been writing for about fifteen minutes now and a paper of this length would’ve taken me several hours had I done it at all. I have contemplated it in the past and exercised it a few times but now, I truly believe you can accomplish a task that you have little to no clue of how you will get it done just by setting all else aside, starting with an attempt, and just keep going with it. This being to me now, another thing I could have used some years prior. Though, I contain this intangible aspect now, this emotion of learning something new. I learned a lesson through the honesty I portrayed in this paper, something I can use the rest of my life, however long it be. I believe that Mr. Clemens did a great number for me by talking of the length of his letter, and I sincerely thank him for this. He didn’t directly say you can get a lot out of writing on whim, but I believe this inexpressible thought and feeling going through me right now was held by Sam too. This feeling right now, a feeling that after shortcomings I am in the exact spot I am supposed to be in, not necessarily to any divine plan but to myself. Mark Twain said, “I apologize for the length of this letter, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter”, which started this all; although, I believe editing this particular writing would direly take away from the effect I am targeting, fore I believe that forthright writing without restriction can present you a self-taught lesson that can positively alter your life.