Seeing through my eyes

Judy - Sherborn, Massachusetts
Entered on December 25, 2008
Age Group: 50 - 65

I BELIEVE…..we only see what we are ready to process.

Three years ago my world began to spin backwards- how could I have not seen 15 years of deception? How could I not have known my husband of 23 years had so much anger and unhappiness in his heart? Easily- I was not ready to face the crisis. I had things to achieve, places to go- literally- I had to travel the world for my business- and a life to craft through my own eyes…. Our world is just that- only ours. It welcomes visitors but it cannot be anything but how we craft it in our minds. So for 23 years I saw a world that was forward moving, focused and solid. Of course it was a bit boring but safe, right? I put my desire for risk into business not personal matters…ah, but in doing so risked everything that was personally important to me- my well-crafted family.

Ok you say we have heard this story so many times- what is special in your tale? I think it is this- I believe I chose the date in which to finally see. Yes, I do- I picked up the phone that day almost sure of what I would find at the other end and took a deep breath and pushed the voicemail button- and there it was- the truth that was always there- ready for me to process. I remember my response was strange, almost exhilarating, I was finally ready to tackle this elephant on the table. ….I stopped holding my breathe.

I was on a roll- I was ready to see what was wrong with my career and opened Pandora’s Box once more. Yes indeed- I was processing like mad! Boom, that elephant was down for the count as well. I was in control yet not at the same time- a button was pushed in my heart that said “I will protect you- time to see your truth”

And see I did. Three years and many heart wrenching hours of pain and disappointment later, I am not trying to craft anything…..I am trying to SEE everyday. I see I can narrate my life with positive or negative over-tones; after all I am the only player in my own world. I have chosen to see all of this as a positive albeit painful story I narrate. I have a good relationship with my Ex; my daughter has a happy and loving Dad and I have opened my heart to love.

Speaking of love I gave my heart to a man I adored and he I- we dated for 7 months; we made plans- he was my friend, my lover, my partner…then his ex-wife was ready to see him with her heart and thus he began to see her again too and overnight- literally-he was not mine. Wait it is my life, why didn’t I see this coming! Simply, I wasn’t ready to process. This is the elephant that got away.