Gone Forever

Devon - Portland, Oregon
Entered on December 18, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: death, family

Since my dad’s death I’ve seen so many people’s emotions that I don’t know what someone who is sad looks like anymore. Some people cry and develop problems inside of themselves while others yell and get mad. There are so many ways to show emotions, not just sadness.

It’s easy to tell who knew him and who didn’t. The people who are just supportive and tell you it’s going to be okay are the people that never knew him. Yes, I thought of him as a wonderful person but those people didn’t know him like I did. He was creative, always happy, optimistic, loving and caring. Not everyone was able to experience all of those parts of him. The people who did know him understood how much of a loss it really was. We all still think of him differently though. I doubt that anyone thought of him the way I thought of him.

It’s not that easy to deal with a loss. It’s even harder to handle the other people who are trying to deal with the loss a different way. My family I all reacted in different ways to my dad’s death. My mom was very sad and sometimes it scared just how sad she was. My sister on the other hand was very upset and didn’t like to talk about it. All emotions that we had were elevated too. My sister and my mom both still felt very close to him after his death, unlike me unfortunately.

I always feel like he’s totally gone. Little things that remind me of him I cherish. Sometimes it seems like I will never remember him, sometimes I even forget what he looked like. When I do I usually remember him as a cancer patient, with staples on his head, blind, bald from the chemotherapy, and always tired. The other times that I remember him I see a tall man with thick dark hair, extremely bright, an athlete and a wonderful dad. I can remember that he spoke several languages, was an English professor, and constantly ran.

I really do wish he could be here now. It almost feels as if he were never around. My love for my dad that I knew so well I didn’t know enough about. My dad told me that life is to be lived with love and hate and that there is no way of going without it. On one of his trips to Mexico he made a movie about his experience. At one point he says that he leaves his life in Portland and wants to work on his own life tapestry, the tapestry of Michael. I wish that he could still be working on that tapestry.

I miss him very much and would like to hear more advice and know more about him. Emotions are things that come to you and you must deal with yourself. It’s hard to decipher how someone else is reacting when emotions come in so many ways.