This I Believe

Nicole - Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Entered on December 16, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
  • Podcasts

    Sign up for our free, weekly podcast of featured essays. You can download recent episodes individually, or subscribe to automatically receive each podcast. Learn more.

  • FAQ

    Frequently asked questions about the This I Believe project, educational opportunities and more...

  • Top Essays USB Drive

    This USB drive contains 100 of the top This I Believe audio broadcasts of the last ten years, plus some favorites from Edward R. Murrow's radio series of the 1950s. It's perfect for personal or classroom use! Click here to learn more.

This I Believe

This I believe, God is in control. I use to wonder did God really know where I was and/or was he aware of my circumstances and did he really love me. Better yet, did he really have a plan for my life after all I was going through another divorce, which this time left me numb and feeling hopeless. I had no train of thought. I could not function with the simple issues of life, mainly my children’s needs. My daily diet consisted of Pepsi, water, and crackers whenever desired. Unbeknownst to me, I had managed to drop twelve dress sizes within six months. I was at the point of no return, a psychological depressive state of mind. I did not know what to do nor did I know what to say because all I would do is cry. I avoided having conversations with people to avoid the emotional outburst. My routine consisted of me going to work, picking up the kids and back home to my bed. I had eliminated all outside activities for the children as well as all communication with my immediate family, church family and friends. Although I was physically present, my children were home alone. At any rate, my days of dealing with the pain had expired. One day while sitting at my desk, I had made the decision to end my life by way of carbon monoxide poison. The drive to my home would take approximately fifteen to twenty minutes and I managed to leave the office without anyone questioning my whereabouts. The entire drive was emotional to say the least. I had no intentions on leaving a note of any kind because I knew they would not understand. Due to my garage malfunctions, I had to go inside the house to open the garage. This day was no different from any other, or so I thought. I pulled in the driveway and got out the van to go inside the front door toward the hallway, which led to the garage. Only this time once I got to the hallway, I could not remember why I had gone home. I stood in the hallway trying to remember why I was there and became frustrated at myself for driving all this way for nothing. Afterwards, I turned around got back inside the van and proceeded to head back to work. Suddenly, I remembered why I went home and began crying uncontrollably. By the time I made it back to work, I had several messages from my church family wondering where I was. I later discovered that God had placed me on their minds, which led them to call each other. They all began to pray for my safety. It was at that moment that I realized that God really was in control and it was he (God) who put me on their minds. With that in mind, I take nothing for granted good or bad because he knows what he is doing. We just need to trust him.

For this, I believe Jeremiah 1:4 & 5.