Uncertainties of a Loving Father

Miguel - Redlands, California
Entered on December 3, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: fear, parenthood
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I believe that my children are a reflection of who I am. Their future success and who they become depends on the love and devotion I invest in them. By far, the scariest moment of my life was when my wife told me we were expecting a baby. My fears were based on the uncertainty of being able to become a good father, and the possibility of failing to provide a good upbringing for my children. I recognize that the decisions I make while raising my children, my attitudes and the way I manage my life will have a big impact in the future of my children. I realize that my insecurities are the result of my mother’s perspective of having failed as a parent. A product of a broken home, I experienced first hand the disadvantages of a single parent family. Taking the role of father and mother and as a sole provider my mom spent long hours away from home to satisfy our financial needs. The constant absence of an authority figure resulted in the further dissolution of our family. In spite of her sacrifices my mom lives regretting many of the decisions she was forced to make at the time; she believes that she failed to nourish our family’s emotional needs due to her preoccupation to fulfill our financial needs. It concerns me to know that my mom is unable to enjoy her accomplishment as a parent.

Now that I have my own children I fear that I too will regret not doing a good job as a parent and will spend my old age apologizing for my shortcomings. The lack of a father figure in my life and the fear of failure encourage me to be present at home and do all in my power to be a good role model for my own children. I have loved my children from the moment I laid eyes on them.

I was allowed to attend their deliveries, and fell in love with both at first sight. I’ve heard other parents describe similar experiences and always considered it an exaggeration, but I now agree, there is no feeling alike. The love I feel for my children makes everything ok; a bad day turns great when they smile and regardless of my mood they are always ready to show me love. The satisfactions of fatherhood have diminished my fears of failure, but have not completely erased them. Every night, before I sleep, I contemplate the improvements I need to make as a father. I am not a perfect father and have a lot to learn to achieve my goal, but I am a very loving one. The choices my children will make and the actions they will take will be because of my dedication to them. Although the future is always uncertain, today I am satisfied as a parent and very thankful for my children.