A CURRENCY SWITCH
Politicians are unable to solve the national economic problems because they have no idea of what they’re doing nor of what’s going on in this nation. If we consider that the majority of politicians are lawyers, then the first logical question that comes to mind is: “what do they know about Economics?” In fact, given the lamentable state of our Judicial System (Judicial is a euphemism here!), what do they know about justice? But I, a consummate economist, have come up with a brilliant idea that will put millions of unemployed back to work. Sure! It’s true that last year I filed for bankruptcy but that has nothing to do with my ability to solve the economic malaises of this nation. After many sleepless nights the idea hit me suddenly. And what a simple idea it is too! It’s so simple, in fact, that I’m wondering why you didn’t come up with the idea.
In order to revive the economy and, at the same time, reduce crime, I propose a change in currency. In other words, a switch from money to attention. Money has a certain value. Attention has value also because it’s worthy of attention. Attention, as you well know, can easily be lost but it’s just as easy to find it again. The same thing, unfortunately, cannot be said for money. Attention can be paid and received the same way money can, therefore, for the benefit of the economy and for the safety of all the people of this nation, the switch in currency makes a lot of sense!
The greatest advantage in substituting money with attention will be experienced by the transportation industry. If a police officer, for example, pulls over a speeding truck, or one carrying excessive weight, the citation may exceed a hundred dollars. Can you imagine the relief of the driver and of his employer to be told to pay attention instead of money? I can already see the trucking business booming beyond its wildest dreams. The industry will be able to deliver faster and fresher goods throughout the country. With more trucks on the road, additional police officers will be needed to patrol the congested highways. As a result of more traffic there will be a marked increase in accidents which will fuel the need for more hospitals, construction workers to build them, doctors, nurses, fire fighters, funeral homes, flower shops, auto body shops, auto parts, mechanics, laborers and dispatchers who are now out of work.
Inmates will also benefit immensely by the switch in currency. The amount of attention that prison guards will be able to pay them would be so much that even the inmates themselves would not want to receive any more of it. For once, attention would actually satisfy some people, something which money has never been able to do!
The substitution of money with attention will be beneficial to many bank institutions, as you can imagine! For a mere deposit of one thousand attentions, banks may be able to pay interest to the tune of 25 percent annually or more! The high percentage of interest paid on individual deposits will be offset by the attention banks would finally receive from loans to third world countries notorious for not paying back money to lending institutions across this country. The attention gained by banks could be reinvested in domestic ventures which in turn will provide more jobs for the unemployed living in this country.
Lovers stand to make a good profit out of my proposal as well! We all know how expensive it is to date a lady, or for a lady to date a man. During the first date, blind or otherwise, they can get away with small talk or with a few drinks but, after that first encounter, the casual approach will not suffice any longer. The normal procedure for the next date calls for an expensive candlelight dinner in a five-star establishment. Needless to say that within a short period of time the whole affair will degenerate into a series of reasonable demands for a diamond ring, or even worse, for a luxury car, a chalet or similar trinkets like that! But if we were to substitute money with attention, it would be possible to satisfy all of the lover’s scandalous demands as well as ours. As it is now, we’re forced to apportion our money to take care of the basic necessities of life, That’s an arduous commission known as “budgeting.” But by substituting money with attention, we can give ourselves undivided attention! What a stimulus my proposal would create for the economy of this nation! With so much attention being spread around, the retail industry will employ new sales staff, bookkeepers, cashiers, security guards and many other positions.
Doctors will also benefit from my healthy proposal. They will be able to receive an enormous amount of attention from patients. In fact, doctors may receive attention from both patients and medical insurance companies. Some people refer to it as “double dipping.” With so much attention on the marketplace, universal medicare may not be needed after all, for everyone would have enough attention to pay for proper medical care!
Of course, not everyone stands to benefit from my great idea. As with any drastic changes, there will be losers in the event that my proposal is implemented. The biggest losers will be shop supervisors, lawyers, judges and Stock Market brokers.
Shop supervisors will soon find themselves in the precarious position of having to pay lots of attention to their superiors without receiving any from their inferiors. It doesn’t take a genius to compute the disastrous outcome. Shop supervisors will be left at the mercy of inconsiderate workers bent on not paying the least attention to them. I suspect that shop supervisors will be in a constant frenzy looking for attention. I hope that they would seek a more remunerative enterprise in a faraway environment free from the obvious state of uncertainty, ridicule and poverty.
Lawyers and judges will irreparably be ruined if my brilliant proposal will be implemented. The crime rate will drop dramatically due to the fact that with so much attention circulating, nobody would go around stealing it to satisfy their vices. Lawyers and judges will be reduced to beg for some attention to those stupid enough to challenge psychiatrists’ theory on crime. I’m already envisioning lawyers and judges, hat in hand, standing by street corners begging for attention. Thank God for this pleasant turn of events!
Stock Markets will collapse after the implementation of my proposal because with so much attention floating around, there will be no need to pay attention to stocks not worthy of attention. Stock brokers will finally be in a financial condition worthy of their true business name: broke!
Considering the economic advantages my ingenious proposal will bring, it’s irrelevant that a limited number of people such as shop supervisors, lawyer, judges and Stock brokers may be ruined in the process. It’s a small price to pay for the benefit of the entire nation!
I, therefore, hope that you would pay attention to my economic proposal and that you would urge your political friends to make the substitution at once. My economic proposal is sound and, as I have demonstrated above, it will provide enough jobs to solve the chronic economic mess this nation finds itself in.