my feelings on the word hope!

Elizabeth - Elizabethtown, Kentucky
Entered on November 19, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: hope

This I believe:

I believe that there is such a thing as hope. I know that I’ve been hoping my whole life, but especially for the past two years. The thing I want and I hope for the most is a true smile, to be a happy person for once, to not have anymore flashbacks, and to find the right person for me. Hope is just something that comes from your heart. I believe that I’ve always had hope, until something went wrong. The main thing that I’m trying to say is that most of the times I just wish instead hope for good things to come.

I believe there is hope for me because when I was raped four different times I just gave up hope and tried to commit suicide. Each time I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I knew that my life couldn’t end like that. When it first started I couldn’t get my mind off of the fact that this had happened to me, because I thought life was so good, and the fact that I never thought this would happen to me. The thing I hoped for in this situation was that it would just all go away. It really hurts when I think of it, but I know it won’t. I look at myself as a victim, so that makes it even harder for rape, death, and flashbacks to go away. Even though I know one day I will move on, because I have realized that I have to.

When I was in the hospital/placement I hoped to get out, and I did, but the point is that I believed that I could get out of that wretched place. I sometimes want to go back because I felt safe and loved there, and I was protected from harm. Now I really hope that I could get rid of my flashbacks to be happy for once. Everyday when I wake up I put a fake smile on my face so that when I get up and go to school no one will see the real pain I’m suffering.

Another thing I hope for and believe is that one day I will meet my birth parents and get to know them. The truth is, even when I finally get to meet them, I wouldn’t want to leave my parents for them, because the people that I live with know me for good and bad. I will not just leave them for people I barely even know, because they gave me up and they did not even come close to raising me like my parents do now. So to end this I just want to say that I believe that hope will bring me a happy day. I hope for a great guy to just come into my life now. I probably won’t quite feel right just yet because I’ve been hurt so much in my past by guys that I’m afraid.

Lastly I hope people will accept me for who I am and for the fact that I’m different. I don’t want people to look at me differently just because I go for liking the people I want to like, I just want people to appreciate me for my talents and my good doings, not for what I believe in, my gender, race, or my sexuality. The main thing I’m trying to say here is that I believe in hope, and all these things I have described to you are what I hope for.