I love watching the sunlight hit the fresh new autumn colored leaves on the trees. The way the light shines through them sends a welcoming chill down my spine. I am standing on the porch that my dad and I have done so much on. BBQ’s on a buggy summer night, shoveling the many inches of snow off in the winter, and carrying in the new scratching post he and I built for my cat he swore he never liked. But today this porch is not the same. My fathers footsteps have not trudged up the blue and red worn down and dirty carpet he had nailed down a few summers ago. The house isn’t the same either. His bed is how he left it the night before, clothes in a small pile in the corner of his bedroom, and there is a note on the table. The note is for me. The note said he will see me Friday night, but he wont be back home because he died on Monday.
He’s always had a bad heart and ever since the heart attack he had three years ago he’s been careful of what he ate. The doctors told us that his heart was 99% blocked and barely had a pulse to begin with. Funny because his other doctor told us he was doing great and his heart was improving. Maybe my dad knew that his heart really wasn’t doing well, he just didn’t want to tell his two daughters to get them worried. I wish he had. At least then we would have been more prepared and not have to carry on the shock on our shoulders for weeks.
My father has been gone for about a month and a week and it’s so hard to imagine he is gone. So I don’t imagine it at all. I do believe he is still alive, just on a very long vacation. But I will be waiting for him to come back and I promise you, I will greet him with a smile showing off my crooked teeth that god has given me, and I will wrap my arms around his waist and let every tear left in my body come rushing out onto the black, cat hair covered, fleece he would be wearing.
I used to believe death was something to fear and that it shouldn’t have been invented, but now I am not afraid. I know that if I die I will only be closer to my dad and I will tell him about all the things he missed in the last month; America picking the first black president, his first daughter buying her first car, and how much more responsible I have gotten. I know that dying will bring me one step closer to tomorrow and what tomorrow has in store for me and I will then see everything in a new perspective. When I die I know I will be happy with the life I lived because I am his daughter and that is something I will always believe in. Being the daughter of a man that has done so much in his 51 years of living. I believe in my dad and everything he ever stood for.