This I Believe

Carmen - Sparta, Michigan
Entered on November 3, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: family, setbacks
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I believe that it is impossible to think clearly enough to write a good essay when your heart broken. I was given this assignment to write a This I Believe essay. At that time I had and still do have several topics that I would love to write about. For me this should have been a piece of cake because I believe in many things and the type of person I am, I love to give my opinion and to prove my point. However, when your hearts broken from a four year companionship gone horribly wrong, the only thing that is clearly on my mind is just that. My life as I knew it has been totally devastated.

So what do I do? I sit and cry, pace my floors, going over and over in my mind how could this happen! I gave him everything, my heart, my life. Not to mention with the pain I’m feeling, my two children are feeling pain as well. Their little world also has been up rooted once again. So I try to keep busy. Keep my children busy so we don’t have to think about what just happened to us. But that pain, that deep deep pain you feel way down in your heart and soul just isn’t going away. So what I do when I’m upset is clean. Clean like there’s no tomorrow. With my mind racing a mile a minute, I start ten projects, forgetting about the first project that I had started to begin with.

The bristles on my cleaning brush are scrubbed off by scrubbing my shower with bleach. All I can think about is getting rid of everything of him, even his DNA As I’m mindlessly cleaning, in the back of my mind I know some how I need to clear my head just enough to write my essay. A topic that normally I wouldn’t have any problems writing, but nope, nothing there. It’s like writers block. The only thing that comes in my mind is the hurt and pain that I am feeling. It sucks, Not only is this affecting my personal life, now it’s affecting my school life. In return makes me mad.

I tell myself, focus Carmen, you can do this. Just sit down and start writing. So I grab my note book and pen and tried to write. I got through the opening sentence and then my mind goes right back to how I am feeling. I’m thinking to myself, this is not good. I’m having an emotional breakdown. Now what? I’m thinking this is impossible for me right now to have a clear enough mind to write my paper. Then it hit me. Bingo.

It is impossible to think clearly enough to write a good essay when your heart broken. As for me, THIS I BELIEVE.