I Will Not Let Go

Jana - Missouri City, Texas
Entered on October 21, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: love

I was only fifteen when cupid struck me. I found my idol of perfection, my best friend, and the meaning to my life. When I stumbled upon it, I didn’t realize what it was or what it was doing to me. I had discovered a dream, hidden in my heart, waiting for the right level of maturity to emerge. Simply, it possessed me from the start. They say love is unexpected, but I was clueless.

The epitome of something so majestic is that it has the power to control your mind. I would almost say that I was lost… in thoughts, feelings, confusion. I was in love with a boy. It wasn’t a teenage romance; it was something worth dying for. I quickly learned that I didn’t matter to myself anymore. I longed to just make this boy happy, to watch him succeed, to listen, to care, to hold, and to be there when no one else would. I became selfless and his smile was my reward. I forgot that time existed, and everyday was a blur. My relationship with my parents healed. My appreciation for intricate details grew. Love took me and warped everything I was.

I thought my euphoria would last forever, but life never goes as planned. Somehow, he left, and his love disappeared. To call myself heart-broken would be a lie; I have never felt grief so tangible or pain so intense. I stumbled across mistakes along my path, but I took my uneven steps in the right direction. Anger and resentment only fleetingly appeared, and then dissolved. I could not let go; I still can’t and I won’t.

I know love will find its way back. I believe with every fiber of my being that I have gone through this psychological breakdown in order to learn and to be tested. I cannot say I have been strong, but I have evolved. I have yet to lose a battle, and I have yet to give up. These feelings are unexplainable, and I am not sure of their meaning. However, I refuse to let it slip away from me; something so deep cannot be waded out of. I believe in love, even though it fell from my grasp. I believe in fate, for the odds of meeting perfection are nearly impossible. I believe in myself, because now I know what I am capable of – I can surrender my soul to a person, and I can care. Before, I was trapped in a maze plagued with indifference; I am no longer a cynic. Time still has no meaning but I will wait for mine. I will not forget what I had with the boy. I have promised myself that we will find love again, and I do not believe I am wrong.