I Will Not Let Go

Jana - Missouri City, Texas
Entered on October 21, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: love
  • Podcasts

    Sign up for our free, weekly podcast of featured essays. You can download recent episodes individually, or subscribe to automatically receive each podcast. Learn more.

  • FAQ

    Frequently asked questions about the This I Believe project, educational opportunities and more...

  • Top Essays USB Drive

    This USB drive contains 100 of the top This I Believe audio broadcasts of the last ten years, plus some favorites from Edward R. Murrow's radio series of the 1950s. It's perfect for personal or classroom use! Click here to learn more.

I was only fifteen when cupid struck me. I found my idol of perfection, my best friend, and the meaning to my life. When I stumbled upon it, I didn’t realize what it was or what it was doing to me. I had discovered a dream, hidden in my heart, waiting for the right level of maturity to emerge. Simply, it possessed me from the start. They say love is unexpected, but I was clueless.

The epitome of something so majestic is that it has the power to control your mind. I would almost say that I was lost… in thoughts, feelings, confusion. I was in love with a boy. It wasn’t a teenage romance; it was something worth dying for. I quickly learned that I didn’t matter to myself anymore. I longed to just make this boy happy, to watch him succeed, to listen, to care, to hold, and to be there when no one else would. I became selfless and his smile was my reward. I forgot that time existed, and everyday was a blur. My relationship with my parents healed. My appreciation for intricate details grew. Love took me and warped everything I was.

I thought my euphoria would last forever, but life never goes as planned. Somehow, he left, and his love disappeared. To call myself heart-broken would be a lie; I have never felt grief so tangible or pain so intense. I stumbled across mistakes along my path, but I took my uneven steps in the right direction. Anger and resentment only fleetingly appeared, and then dissolved. I could not let go; I still can’t and I won’t.

I know love will find its way back. I believe with every fiber of my being that I have gone through this psychological breakdown in order to learn and to be tested. I cannot say I have been strong, but I have evolved. I have yet to lose a battle, and I have yet to give up. These feelings are unexplainable, and I am not sure of their meaning. However, I refuse to let it slip away from me; something so deep cannot be waded out of. I believe in love, even though it fell from my grasp. I believe in fate, for the odds of meeting perfection are nearly impossible. I believe in myself, because now I know what I am capable of – I can surrender my soul to a person, and I can care. Before, I was trapped in a maze plagued with indifference; I am no longer a cynic. Time still has no meaning but I will wait for mine. I will not forget what I had with the boy. I have promised myself that we will find love again, and I do not believe I am wrong.