Grieving a tiny loss

Angela - Park Ridge, Illinois
Entered on October 20, 2008
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: death, family
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Disappointment, sadness, guilt, anger. These are not emotions I thought I would have when my dream to become pregnant again came true. For 10 weeks everything seemed perfect: I got pregnant right away, I had no morning sickness and I would have the summer off with my new baby. I could not have planned it better.

But that plan was turned upside down, leaving me feeling out of control and devastated. Our second child—that I so diligently protected in my womb, that my husband and I watched on the monitor as his or her tiny heart beat, that we had already grown to love—died.

All my hopes, dreams, plans and the child we had yet to meet went down the toilet. The image of the tiny life we created, but never had a chance, burned into my brain as I melted onto the bathroom floor and wept.

I spent the past week in a fog. The grief fills me like a balloon ready to burst. I am not sure I will ever find relief. I listen as friends and family try to console me. What they are telling me makes sense, but it just does not make me feel better.

For every bit of reason, there is a counter emotion that throws me off balance. Of course I am thankful for the family I have—my wonderful husband and adorable son—but that only makes me feel guilty for thinking what I have is not good enough. I know that nothing I did caused this loss, but I can’t help feeling responsible. I understand that this new life was not meant to be, but I still feel angry and cheated. I appreciate that we are able to get pregnant easily, but that doesn’t suppress the fact that I am no longer with child and will be filled with unease when we try again. I realize that my plan is not gone, just postponed, but I still hate waiting and wondering.

I believe I need to throw reason out the window and let my emotions guide me. I believe I need to learn how to live without a perfect plan and to be okay with the unknown. I believe I need to find peace with what happened and to know it is not my fault. And I believe I need to grow from this experience and be ready for whatever lies ahead.

I lost more than a son or daughter that day and I have to find a way to not only accept that, but also move forward with the belief that this experience can make me a better mother, wife and friend.