Lieselotte - Tucson, Arizona
Entered on October 16, 2008
Age Group: 65+

I believe some laws must be broken, so that one can keep their conscience….

Everybody says, I did the right thing –

so, why do I feel so guilty?

Why do I feel, I betrayed my conscience?

Why do I feel, I betrayed the man I loved?

I will never know, what really caused the death of my companion of 12 years,

And yet – I took part in it:

Renè suffered from Vertigo and Emphysema. On Aug. 27 2004 he fell down in the kitchen, and for the first time was unable to get up. Many tests were made in the hospital – there was no stroke and his brain was fine. His legs were not – and after 3 days he entered a rehab, where I visited him every day.

I don’t know what happened – but it is no longer important.

He was sent back to the hospital and when I got there, he was unconscious. I left a copy of his Living Will with the emergency staff.

Living Will signed in his attorney’s office – no machines, no life reactivation.

Did anybody care? Certainly not the hospital which put him in the ICU.

$ 8000.00 a day, medications not included – hospitals need to survive too …

After 3 days in the ICU he was back to life, except he no longer wanted to live once he realized he was never going to walk again.

But his brain was working, and so were his arms. He asked me to bring him his gun. He pleated with me, every day – day after day.

A plea – an order – an outcry for help.

Did I hear him? – Yes, I did.

Did I do it? – No, I did not want to go to jail….

He told me, that I did not love him as much as he loved me – he said, HE would have helped me in a heartbeat…

He had a strong heart, he wanted to die but his heart kept on beating.

But he found a way:

First he stopped eating.

Then he stopped drinking.

It was a nightmare for weeks to come.

He was 5’11” and weighed 84 lbs when he died …..

Did I do the right thing?

Of course – everybody say so, – even the law.

So, why do I feel guilty?

Why do I think I was wrong?

Why do I keep thinking, there are laws that we must break, or we will end up broken….