I believe I have an addiction. Everyday it slowly eats away at my insides. The need builds up until I take that first drag and blow out in relief. I tell myself this will be the day I quit. A day later I am back at the store, “Marlboro Smooths please”. It is hard to believe this small stick has such an impact on my life.
I wonder if it is just a routine I can not phase. I have a cigarette when I drive, after I eat, while at work, when I go out drinking, if I am around other smokers, before classes, and when I am just bored. A routine sounds better then an addiction. I relate that work with people who are addicted to coke, crack, heroine, pills, etc. Is nicotine really in that category? So I do not like the word that describes my situation and it’s kind of embarrassing to admit believe it or not. People look down on smokers, especially female smokers. I guess it appeals to them as unattractive, but I am not one to really care what people think of me. Otherwise, I would have quit awhile ago.
I enjoy smoking, the taste of menthol and the sensation of inhaling and exhaling this so called “toxic smoke”. I try not to think of it as that though. It helps me to relieve stress. Being in school and working two jobs definitely causes a lot of stress! It also helps calm me down when I am really upset, which basically is everyday. I have some anger issues! It also just gives me something to do, especially when I am driving. For example, if I am taking a 45 minute to an hour trip, I will smoke about 3 cigarettes just on the way there.
My plan for the future is to quit smoking for good. I just need some motivation or maybe someone to put me in line. Otherwise, I am just going to keep doing it because nothing is stopping me. I sometimes think of all the potential outcomes if I continue to smoke. I try to scare myself. I envision my lungs blackening. I see myself gasping for air and coughing up slimy substance. There’s a high possibility of getting lung or throat cancer. My teeth will turn yellow and decay. My breath will begin to stink. Not to mention, it increases the aging process. All these things I definitely do not want to happen.
I believe if I do something now I can change the outcome of my health in the future and even in my life in the present. I will save myself from cancers, diseases, the judgment of other people, and it would help me turn to other sources of relief that are non-damaging to my body. I believe I can fight this addiction. I know in my heart I am strong enough to do so. I may just need a little help sometimes.