She was there in the beginning. She has always beenthere. Even at times you thought she wasn?t. She was just watching and waiting for when and if she would ever be needed. Even if it was just for the unnoticed little things she did that showed you her unconditional love.
Things like making your bed, cooking for you, washing your clothes. As you got older she?d give youmoney and wouldn?t ask you to pay it back. Babysit for you, at no cost, just so she can be with her grandchildren. Running errands for you when yo didn?t have time to do then yourself.
The day started out as any other day, my husband went to visit his mother and the kids and I stayed at home. A few hours went by and he did not come home. I started to worry because he is always home by 3:30. If he is not he always calls and he had not. At 4:30 in the afternoon there was a knock at the door it was a police officer.
I didn’t think anything was horribly wrong I thought,? “Oh, no what did Shaun do now?”My husband had always had problems with the police department. He had been in prison for a year. He had only been home for 3 months prior to this day. We had been together for 11years. The year he spent in prison was the longest we had ever been apart. He was my world, I would do anything for him. I lived my life for him, with him, through him. To me he was life itself.
The police officer had this look on his face, like the look someone gets when they are trying to get out of trouble. Knowing they will be punished and there is no way out of it. He asked, “Are you Mrs Jackson?” I replied, “Yes”, He asked if he could come in, I let him into the apartment,he asked me to sit down. At this moment I started to get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was not prepared to hear what he was about to tell me.
He knelt down beside me and said,” I am so sorry, but at 2:00 this afternoon your husband committed suicide.” It felt as though someone had taken away my air I couldn’t breathe. What had he done?! The only thought I had at that moment was, “NO, I had just seen him no more than 4 hours ago. He was fine.?”I can’t remember what the police officer said but it was a lot of information to take in at once. I couldn’t even think. It was as if everything went silent and the world slowed down or stopped. I was by myself with the kids, that’s when it hit me. I was alone for the first time in 11 years I was totally alone….
It had been awhile since I had spoken to or even seen my mother. She was whom the police officer notified. She was on her way to our apartment it would be an hour before she got there. I didn’t move and I cried until she got there. When she arrived, no words were spoken just a look of sadness. I could tell she had been crying. My husband and mother had not gotten along, so I know the tears were not for him but for me. She took me into her arms for comfort. She just held me. She took me and the kids home with her.
I believed I cried for a week straight. There was my mother, there to comfort me, at times no words were spoken just jesters of affection. A hug, a kiss, a touch, and sometimes it was just a look form her. I got through the funeral arrangements yet I don’tknow how. I was just in a constant daze, and there she was, my mother. Watching, comforting me, waiting to see when I needed help so she could step in and take care of things. I was in constant battle with his family over everything. When it was over everything became more overwhelming for me.
I had to be hospitalized for 3 months and put on all kinds of medications. Through it all my mother was there. Being there for me, taking care of not only me, also my children, I couldn’t even look at my children because they were painful reminders of the life that my husband and I had built around each others. Everything that once was, yet can never be again. My mother fed, clothed, watched, and bathed, my children, taking care of their essential needs. As for me I seemed to in a state of shock that lasted what seemed like forever. At times feeling as though I was in a dream and nothing is real. Not even caring about myself, and yet through it all. There she is she is still there like she has always been.
I have moved in with my mother she says it is easier this way. I know she only says this for my benefit, I know she wants to be there for me just in case. I don’t mind I like being with her, it makes me feel like a child again sometimes. Having her there to take care of me. She said she needs me, but I need her a great deal more than she needs me. I know she takes on more than she has to, I just don’t know if she knows that she doesn’t have to.
My mother through it all she is still here. She is a very strong and amazing woman,I admire her for her unconditional love. Love that I feel everyday from her. There are no words that I could ever say that could tell her just how much I love her and just how grateful I am for her to just be there for me and my children. I love her so much, because through it all she has always been there.