Up and Down, Turn Around

Jean - Jefferson City, Missouri
Entered on August 25, 2008
Age Group: 50 - 65
Themes: love


Life can seem so depressing, yet you need to find the something to help change your mood. Being bipolar doesn’t help. The depression is like a fly that wants to keep bugging you. You shoo it away and two seconds later it is crawling again. You swat at it, hoping you killed it. Only to find out it is still buzzing around, trying to drive your depression out of control.

Life itself will tear you down emotionally and, after awhile, it no longer allows you to build yourself back up. You need to find something to stop the sinking feeling, something to hang onto. An inner tube, a life preserver, anything that won’t bring you down, something to hold you up, like a rock. I have that rock, and I call him Bill.

When I first met Bill, I didn’t allow myself the enjoyment of his beauty. We were married to other people and we weren’t in each other’s plans for the future. We seemed to fight whenever we were in a room together. If I said yes, he said no. Bill was my best friend’s brother, so I decided to try and get along with him. I would have to bite my tongue a lot. But after 10 years of my marriage going down the drain and my friend encouraging it, we got together.

We found our soul mate in each other. Unless I was working, we were inseparable. Bill made me feel like the most important person in the world. He did all the chores around the house; the only thing I had to do was be there. Waking up to breakfast and then sending me back to bed, so I could get some sleep for work that night. He woke me up for lunch, had my clothes laid out and my bath ready. He walked me to the truck and told me to be careful driving. When I got home that night, dinner was waiting for me. We stayed up most the night to be together.

As good as it felt, I truly believed that it would end; the bomb would have to drop. When I went to bed at night I thought it would drop tomorrow. When I stopped thinking about it daily, it went to weekly, then monthly. After nine years, a balloon with water dropped and exploded. The law stepped and gave us time. I received five years probation; he received 15 years, all for some pot. But he has never stopped caring for me or doing for me even from prison. We had our first real setback. He had been in prison for a year. I screwed up. I had to find the courage to tell him and prayed he would forgive me. When I found it, he understood and forgave me, now he is in the process of rebuilding his trust in me and the love continues to over flow.

I never understood, although I thought I did, when my mother said “You love every man you’re with, but when the right one comes along he will have it all and you will know.” I understand now and I have finally found love after the age of 40. He is everything I ever looked for in all the men. He loves me for who I am, and in return I love him for just being him.

Love is special and when it comes, don’t let it pass you by for stupid pride.