This I Believe

Bonita - Evansville, Indiana
Entered on July 22, 2008

Being born to a family full of pain, pain and more pain, I have continued the cycle. It started well before I was ever born. In birth sequence, my oldest sister is now 63, I am 54, my younger sister is 51 and my only brother is 43. There was another sister who died of leukemia, at the age of four, a few years before I was born.

The suicide of my father, when I was 12, was the first bad thing that had a deep effect on my life. As many people do, we sought solace in religion. I sat and listened as multiple pastors condemned my father to hell or purgatory. I could not accept this.

My life spiraled out of control after my first marriage ended, when I was 21. I had no sense of self worth.

I let the pain of my family lead me into an occupation which I had doubts about. I have been a hairdresser for 30 years. I first noticed, when I worked with someone who applied acrylic fingernails, that I was EXTREMELY sensitive to chemicals. Migraines became a way of life.

I became involved with some very rich and powerful people who used me. I found out that they were EXTREMELY perverted and corrupt. One is now a most wealthy person in our city and an advisor to President Bush.

After divorcing my second husband, and now with a child, I returned to school hoping to get out of the toxic environment. Little did I know that what I chose to do would be just as bad. As a graphic designer, I work with printers and books, fresh from the press. I have worked both jobs & often 3 jobs, at a time, for many years.

My younger siblings are now severe drug addicts.

About one month ago, my life changed drastically. Thinking I was having a stroke, with two trips to the emergency room, as well as multiple doctor visits later, they have no clue what is wrong with me. All I know is that there are brain cells missing and that it happened in a short time span.

I can no longer read (I LOVE to read) without REreading, many times. I can no longer cook a meal (I LOVE to cook). I can no longer fill out forms or make sense of an automated phone system.

I am an extremely intelligent person, but without my self esteem, it has meant nothing. I am now being raped by the “SYSTEM�, denied by Medicaid because of my daughter’s scholarship money, which they claim could be used to support me since I quit working one month ago.

My firm belief is that we are all one. The Yin and the Yang are in each one of us, they are not separate beings. EVERYONE has the capacity for good or bad. Sometimes, clinging to ones beliefs are the worst thing we can do.