My body always knows what is best for me.

Esmeralda - San Diego, California
Entered on June 5, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

Sex is the cool, misterious word at the begginning of puberty. A little bit before (in my case a little bit after) kids start murmuring about the ‘S’ word, parents give the first sex talks to their kids. Since i come from a very traditional family, my sex talks were not certainly open, nor clear… and sort of late. As i got older, 17 to be exact, i started growing a considerable amount of questions that were not to be answer by books, nor by other people. The answer to these questions had to be answer empirically. What is sex? How does it feel? Well…. i wanted to find out so bad, but for some reason my body was not as eager as my mind… actually my mind was not eager at all, and since neither my mind, nor my body responded, the task could never be completed. So if neither my body, nor my mind wanted to copulate, what was it that made me feel like i had to do it?… Let’s start from the begginning. At school i was (i kinda am still) the little rebel. I was never quiet, and even though i have always had very good grades, i have also always been a magnet of problems because of my openess… euphemism for my lack of prudence. When i say openess i refer to how easy it is for me to talk and give my opinion about anything. Unfortunately I made the mistake of talking about the ‘S’ word a little too much, which for some akward reason made me the sex guru of my class. By the time i realized about what i had become in front of the other’s eyes it was too late, so i never bothered on saying yes or no to the rummors. I though that being considered the guru of something completely unknown to me was the funniest thing in the world and instead of being bothered by the tittle, i ended up finding it rather exciting. I started dating a couple of months afterwards, and what i thought would be a month-long relationship became a serious long lasting matter. As i got sentimentally closer to my boyfriend, i started thinking about having sexual contact even more and more, but whenever we wanted to have the sex, we would never do it because of me. I wanted to do it, i wanted to show myself that i could back up anything, but for some reason this was the one thing that i could not back up… Why? Why is it that my mind and body had responded so well when it came to other things, but they didn’t contribute this time?…. Now i know what i did not acknowledge back then; that it was not a matter of backing this up, it is all about being sure of my own wishes.

After several days that became months of deep thinking (and relationship problems), i came down to a conclusion: My craving for sexual knowledge and activity was not truly mine. That was when i realized that in fact, the tittle of sex guru was given to me, NOT asked for by me. Unconciously i had adopted the tittle, when in reality i was a virgin. Now i am proud of being a virgen, but i am even more proud of my body’s wisdom because without it, i know that i would’ve ended up doing something regretful. I cannot help with smile when i think about how my guts are sometimes wiser than my mind. My body always knows what is best for me… and this i believe.