Wednesday May 14, 2008
This year I plan to finalize my divorce with my husband, who I married when I was twenty one years old. There was nothing horribly wrong with my marriage and I was never in want of any of the usual puzzle pieces that make up a happy home. I had a caring, devoted husband, who gave me my hearts material desires as well as being my emotional stronghold whenever I needed him. He loved me and I loved him. Nothing more needs to be explained.
At twenty six years old, I came home and I breathed in as I opened our bedroom door. I found him sitting on our bed, our two dogs at his feet. He looked up at me and I uttered the words that I knew would bring his entire world crashing down to his feet in a matter of seconds. I said, “I want a divorce.”
No harsh words or fights had occurred in the three short months prior that had led me to my final decision. I may have made small justifications by magnifying small annoyances but there was nothing this man had done to be changed so terribly. He asked why, and I sighed and stated, “I want to be a lesbian, I am a lesbian.” Peace and a realization that I had finally taken the first step in order to truly be who I am flowed over my entire being.
His tears flowed and together we wept, there was no struggle, no pleading for me to stay, just a painful release of understanding and sorrow. I left our bedroom, our dogs and walked out the door. I spent the night on a hard couch at my office but returned to our home. I slept in our other bedroom and spent nights talking to my sweet, sweet girl. He stayed in the master bedroom and as swiftly as I ended our relationship he found a new love, an old love who returned from the past to mend his broken heart. I met her one awkward day, the day I moved out. She was in our room as I loaded the majority of my possessions into a small vehicle my grandmother had once owned. I wept the entire ride home, my new partner struggling to comfort me. How could she? It is so difficult to understand the differences between mourning the loss of your best friend and not of letting go.
I am only three days away from turning twenty eight years old. This year my divorce will be final, my heterosexual past will finally be put to rest. My ex-husband will be taking vows with his fiancé, in December, the same month we were wed. I want to grow old with my love; she is my beautiful girl, my beloved and I am hers. This same year, I know that it is impossible for me to legally marry the love of my life. I believe you can have more rights if you choose to obey the norms but loving for who you are is much more rewarding. She loves me and I love her. Nothing more needs to be explained.