Believe

Sara - Wichita, Kansas
Entered on May 12, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: hope
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This I Believe.

I believe in believing.

Giving people second, third, even forth chances; believing in those who can not even believe in themselves.

I have grown distant from my mother, which is pretty sad, when she’s just a hallway away. But she is never there; mentally at least. It feels as if I do not even exist unless my small fragile hands the she once adored, bare alcohol; her best friend that has so eagerly taken my place. Sometimes I find myself questioning if I have ever seen her sober, I do not believe I have.

I do recall though that there was once a time that my mother, Jane, and I were so close that I could tell her every little thing about my life, knowing she of all people would understand; now, I catch her reading my diary. It’s not that I do not believe she will understand anymore, it’s just the simple fact that when she is drunk, I realize I’m sharing all my secrets with a woman I’d never met.

I cannot lie, I miss her. I miss the woman I thought was my “mommy” when I only saw her once a year; the mommy who drove over a thousand miles to come see me when I lived with daddy. Not the mother forgetting to pick me up from track meets that she didn’t even bother to attend. I miss the mother who used to take me out for ice cream just to spend time with me; the mother who let me sleep in her bed with her when I got scared. Not this mother, more like the child, who cannot even take the time to talk to me without a few shots in her system.

I should be the one to hate her; I should have turned my head and walked away and not looked back on her existence, but I believe in believing. Believing that this person I see is not her. Believing that I will wake up one morning “Jane” will be “Mommy” again; believing in her ability to change and believing in my ability to believe in her. Believing there is no such thing as addiction, that way I can believe there is hope for her to get better. Believing, because it is the only option I have left, and the only place left to turn. Believing that somewhere, someone is going to read this, and they will start believing too.

This I believe.

I believe in believing.