The news was so sudden, so exciting, so scary, yet so amazing all at the same time. I did not know if it was the right time, or what I would even do with the next nine months of my life, but one thing was for sure, when it was all said and done, I would be a mom.
I had thought for so long that I may never be able to have children. Many of my friends and family questioned my mood swings, my excessive sleepiness, and my ever changing appetite. I blamed it on long days at work, and the everyday struggles of bills, stress, and housework.
I joined a gym, got a personal trainer and decided on New Year’s Day 2007 that I would finally focus solely on myself and what I could do better for me. I set several goals with different dates of completion for which I had hoped to obtain them. I would lose weight, quit smoking, go back to school, and seek counseling to deal with emotional stress I was having.
On February 14, all that changed when all the little changes I had gone through that everyone had questioned finally had meaning. I was pregnant. I sat down at work thinking, who should I tell first? How would they take it? I have to admit, I was in no position to have a baby. I had just begun to overcome months of homelessness, financial struggles, and a failed 5 year engagement. I had just moved to Aurora, with my very new boyfriend, and was staying with friends until we could get on our feet. However, from the moment that I saw that plus sign, I knew no matter what it took, or how hard I had to try, I would rearrange every aspect of my life to give my baby the life he deserved.
I started breaking the news one by one. I called my boyfriend, Tom*, and asked him to come meet me at my work. He walked in and because I have a bad habit of smiling in a confrontational or awkward time, he knew something was about to happen. I told him I was pregnant and that is when it hit me. He was just silent. After, the initial shock he asked if I knew for sure. We talked about it in the car on the way home that night as the drive that normally took ten minutes, seemed to take an hour. Tom*was scared, hurt, confused, excited, angry, and shocked all at the same time. I did not know until that moment that people could possess so many emotions at once. Tom* had asked me so many times before that day if I thought there was a possibility of me being pregnant and I had said no. His first thought was that I lied. But we talked about everything and though we knew it was hard, my passion and determination to be a mommy to this new life, convinced him to join this adventure with me.
We went home afterwards, and sat down to eat with our roommates. As we began talking about each of our days, I knew it was about to be my turn to say how my day went. What would their reaction be? Then out of nowhere, Tom* just said it. I thought the silence I heard from him was awkward, but as the silence fell at a crowded dinner table with two people I had known ten years, I started to cry. I knew people were disappointed, and worried about me, and it was understandable. But could anyone feel even the slightest bit of joy that I was feeling?
I called my sister next. That was a little easier; she said she had already thought that I was for about a month. From that conversation on, it got a lot easier. People became more and more understanding and intuitive as to where I would go from there. I really do believe the initial shock to this day has not gone away, but eased a lot.
I am now a proud and excited new mom to the most wonderful 5 month old baby boy ever. I know Austin*, may one day ask about the day I found out, and what it was like, and I will step by step relive the emotions again, but I will make sure everyday until then, he knows how worth all the struggles and hard times were, just to be able to hold him everyday and tell him I love him.
I can now say I never knew the true meaning of love until I became a mom. Even though Tom* and I are no longer together, we share a beautiful new addition to life, and are thankful to have overcome all obstacles, to give Austin* the life he has now.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of my family.