I Wish I Never Had You

Intisam - Boston, Massachusetts
Entered on April 16, 2008
Age Group: Under 18

I Wish I Never Had You

“You’ll never amount to anything” is what I hear come of out my mother’s mouth almost daily. And it never gets old, every time I hear it, I get mad at myself but instead of feeling anger or rage, I think that maybe I should feel challenged. I believe that the best way to prove yourself to someone is to become the complete opposite of what they think you’re going to become.

Ever since I got older it feels like she has gotten even more angry with me. Maybe it is because I’m just a teenager and I’m supposed to disagree with my parents but I think it’s way deeper than that. She says things to me that I’d pray to God to never repeat them to my own children. I don’t want them to go through what I am going through. Sometimes her razor sharp comments slice through my thin layer of skin and I bleed out the sorrow that I wished my mother appreciated the things that I am doing, appreciate that I go to school and am not high up on drugs and I’m not having sex even if she thinks otherwise. I wished she just appreciated me.

She tells me that she thinks I’ll end up dead or out in the streets or even when she tells me that she wished she never had me. That is what hurts me the most. A while ago, whenever she told me that I used to go running to my room and cry myself to sleep but as I grew older I started to think hard about myself I thought that maybe I should just be what she thinks I am, maybe I should go crazy and start acting up in school. But that would only prove her right and not only would she have given up on me, but I would have given up on myself.

One day as I was mourning in the darkest corner of my room thinking what I could do, I realized that I shouldn’t rebel and prove her right but instead I should prove her wrong and be better than what she thinks I am. I should keep up with my grades and that I should keep up with my behavior and the goals that I plan to reach in life. I remember when I told her that I wanted to be a lawyer and she just laughed at me and told me I was too stupid to be a lawyer. I just turned around and ignored her and thought to myself I guess the challenge is on. Maybe I won’t be a lawyer but I will be successful and that is a promise.