Essential Discomposure

Ryan - Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Entered on April 8, 2008
Age Group: 18 - 30

I believe in emotional anxiety. Emotions that caused my gut to wrench but never endangered my life. I love the way it hinders me to do something, when fully knowing it will be worthwhile. I know of the loss of words, the feeling of insecurity and lack of control when talking with the one I admire. I hate the sensation in my throat, the irritation and scratch that cause me to struggle even when making out the easiest words. I thrive on the trembling of hands and sweating of palms, the locking of knees and instability of legs. The entire time I wish it would end; yet when it is over, all I can wish for is to go back and dwell in the moment forever.

I believe in the emotional anxiety that causes the loss of reality, allowing my sub-consciousness to be subject to a flushing away of all rational thought. I know of the fear of waiting for her to answer the phone. The jitters that ran through my body causing me to go from couch to couch, sitting to standing, and rehearsing every word over and over in my mind. I know of the feeling of my heart dropping to the floor as I hear the answer on the other side of the line.

I can remember the feeling I got when I went to her apartment for the first time. Knocking on her door, hearing the calm voice saying, “Come in.” With my shaking hands I pushed the door open seeing her face brighten as I made contact with her soft blue-green eyes. This simple act washed away all my fear and regret. I remember the weary thoughts that went through my mind as I approached her. “What will she do?” “What will I say?” “How will the other people react?” As I got closer to her, the loss of thought went away and I was able to make sense of all my actions. I can recall the suave language that poured out of my mouth, and the gestures that made her laugh, constantly wondering where these came from. I had never done or said anything of the sort before. I remember the great time we had together and how if I had let my anxiety get the best of me, the night would have never happened.

I know of this discomposure, how it causes every part of my body to tingle with discomfort. The lack of sense it caused in my mind when I get close to someone, the uncontrollable quivering in myself. This emotional anxiety that once overcome has sparked some of the greatest times in my life.