I lost my mother at age 4

Kellianne - Gig Harbor, Washington
Entered on March 4, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: death

This I believe…

“She’s never coming back?” I said to my Dad. I couldn’t understand how she was never coming back.

“Can I call her?” I asked. My father told me that there were no phones in Heaven and by then I was so confused that I just stopped talking. As a child only 4 years old and not only that but I didn’t know that this one event in my life would affect the rest of my life. I didn’t know that when I lost my first boyfriend to another girl, I would wish she would be there; I didn’t know that when my life was so dark and cold that I would want to end my life just to be with her; I didn’t know that when I get married she wouldn’t be there crying in the pew next to my father being to proud of me and my accomplishments in life; I never knew.

My father walked in our wide double doors. I could see the sun shining though the small cresses windows in the doors; it was comforting, warm, and quite. Just when my father took his first steps inside our house Sean came down the steps and saw my father’s face. Sean yelled horrifically loud at my sister Kaila, who was only 6 years at the time.

“She’s dead! SHE’S DEAD!” he wailed. My father asked everyone to meet out on the deck because he needed to talk to all of us. So my brother Sean, age 15, my sister Shannon, age 14, my sister Kaila, age 6 and me who was 4 all gathered.

“Mom has passed away but we all know that she is in a better place now; Heaven.” My father told us. My sisters and brother were crying but I didn’t quite understand but I could tell that something bad had happened.

I lived my life as normal, being aware but not understanding my mother’s death. By the age of 8 I had my very first “boyfriend”, his name was Scott. I really liked him but in 2 weeks he left me and went to one of my friends and dated her. I was so upset that night and it was the first time in my life I went to bed wishing that my mother was tucking me in. I started to notice that all of my friends had mothers and that my family was “different”.

As time passed women came in out of my life and they left as fast as they came. One of my father’s girlfriends, Cathy, pushed me down the stairs because I was in her way; I was probably around 10 years old; not too long later she was out of my life for good. When I was 13 another woman stepped into the scene; her name was Candy. My sister Shannon and Sean had both moved out of the house and so the only people left was my father, my sister, Kaila, and me. My sister and I would be as rude as we could be to any of my father’s girlfriends because we didn’t want anyone to ruin our happy content trio. Kaila and I never grew attached to any more girls after Cathy so that we didn’t have to go though the heartbreak when she would leave. It was about 10 months into the relationship and Kaila and I realized that this woman wasn’t going away and that day my father called a family meeting. He announced that they were getting married. Kaila and I immediately started crying and then ran and looked ourselves in the bathroom. They never called off the engagement and Kaila and I were stuck with her.

I started to grow fond of Candy because no longer did I wash my own clothes or vacuumed but not only that, she loved my sister and I whole-heartley. I had to come to terms with Candy and that she could never replace my mother but she was going to be here if I liked it our not. At age 15 I went though a major depression because I never dealt with my mother’s death for 9 years. I wanted to be with my mother and I was willing to do whatever it took even if that meant death. Luckily my father saved me from that dark time and got my head on straight.

I do so very much miss my mother, but I learned that she would want me to live my life to the fullest. I also learned that life should never be taken for granted and that life can be taken away in a blink of an eye. I try my very best not to fight with my parents because you never know if that could be the last time I ever see them… this I believe.