This I Believe

Erica - Waban, Massachusetts
Entered on February 16, 2008
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: family

Double the Trouble

I have not always been the best sister. At times I have been jealous, greedy, narcissistic or mean. I am not proud of who I am or my previous actions. Yet if there is one thing I learned in life, it is to value what you have, not what you desire.

I am a 16 year old Twin. Most people are shocked to learn that my sister and I are actually related. We have some similar physical features, yet our personalities transcend familiar connection. Although I am the louder, more vocal twin, my sister captures an audience with her wit, beauty and intelligence. It scares me. Her successes in life, her grades, awards, friends, plagued my achievements. While I focused on our differences, I neglected her as a friend and a sister. I would compare us in meticulous fashion to the point of fatal depression. I lived a life of pure resent and contempt. I only ask for her forgiveness.

It started in Kindergarten, before I was stained with anger and rivalry. My sister read a full book one day before me. Yes, in the present this seems like a trivial event, yet at the time it was detrimental to my mentality. I began to doubt my importance, significance and value to my family and the world. I would succeed in events or activities I did not particularly enjoy, to be better than my sister. At one point in my life I obtained no identity. I was just not my sister.

Yet, there was one thing I could never withhold from her. Boys. The progression of teenage love had never come easily to me. I rejected some, thinking I was superior and lusted after others who I knew were out of my league. My sister had her first boyfriend before me. Our relationship began to shrivel in dismay. We would fight constantly, scraping around the real subject at hand; I was completely, utterly, over-dramatically, jealous. I desired someone of the opposite sex, to hold my hand, kiss my neck and love me. I could not stand her happiness countering my strife.

In one emotional fight, she said to me “I am losing my sister.” She was right. I had no control; I was a ruthless machine, hurting her in any means possible. Our relationship became a contest, rather than an enjoyment. She broke up with her boyfriend. I never really knew the reason why, but I am almost sure it was due to my excessive jealousy. Currently my sister is becoming closer with another boy. I do not want to wane away into covetousness any longer. I want to be the sister I always dreamt of being. This I believe will happen. I believe I can let go of my personal contention and value myself for who I am rather than who she is. It will take time, self-evaluation and perseverance to conquer my ailments, but for my sister, I would do anything.