This I Believe

Rachel - Cenntenial, Colorado
Entered on November 20, 2007
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: family, hope, love
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I believe that in the darkest of times there is always light.

I am fourteen years old, a young, naïve, and innocent age. When picturing a fourteen year old you may see a happy, smiling girl unknown to the desperate trials of life. On the contrary I am a girl who has experienced more pain than many feel in a life. I remember the night I prepared to overdose. I got Tylenol PM and Advil, enough to kill myself, I laid it on my chest of drawers and got a drink of water. I had been suffering from severe depression for about a year. I felt so dark in despair and deep in hopelessness, I was lost and lonely.

I never felt loved partly because my brothers grew up and left to college. I would call David and cry, make him worry, yet not let him know what was wrong. One day I was talking on the phone with him and he told me about a dream he had. He dreamed that I had died and he was continuing his life yet everywhere he went he was sobbing and had no control over himself. This coming from a brother who doesn’t remember the last time he cried meant more to me than the darkness.

The day with the Tylenol prepared I called up my brother crying and asked him how I died in his dream; he sounded really worried and asked why I wondered but that he didn’t remember. I then told him what I was planning to do and his voice began to shake and he asked to talk to mom. I told him I was scared. I told him I was scared of myself and in a way, I told him I didn’t want to die. After he made me give the phone to mom she had a look I will never forget on her face, one of desperate fright. The best way I can explain it is the look someone would have after seeing their best friend die next to them on the battle field. Mom came to my room, took the pills and flushed them down the toilet, then hid the rest that were throughout the house. To this day they are hidden. Sometimes I think about what I could do if I found them but then I remember how much my brother cares.

Nothing could mean more to me than knowing that my brother cares. My brother is now in Italy. I do not get to talk to him much. He was my support system, without him it can be rough but what helps me get through is that I KNOW he loves me and wants me here. I still struggle daily, life is black and depressing but the light of love still shines bright.