This I Believe

Nikolai - West Nyack, New York
Entered on November 19, 2007
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: creativity
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I believe in expressing myself through writing. Since I can remember, I have lacked the ability to explain myself, what I want, and why or how I act. I somehow manage to send the wrong message. People misunderstand what I have said, and the most frustrating thing is that there is no one to blame but myself. My mom always said to calm down and to collect my thoughts. However, my nerves get to me because I’m trying to answer quickly and take my time at the same time. So it ends with me blurting whatever comes to mind and either offending or confusing the person to whom I am speaking.

At first, I could not find a way to express myself and usually just buried myself in a book or played video games to forget my problems. Then, one day during summer camp in the Adirondacks, while I was ignoring an instructor’s lesson, I found myself thinking about all the good and bad games I had played. All I had to do to make the ultimate game with the perfect story and game play was to avoid all the mistakes that others had made. From that I began to build my characters, their origins, and abilities and applying that to the systems that I enjoyed playing so much. Crafting the plot was the most fun. I felt like all my pent up emotions were released. By taking ideas I liked from different games and books or thinking up my own, my story slowly developed.

For a moment I thought I truly enjoyed designing video games above all else. Then I realized that it wasn’t in the game where I felt alive and satisfied, but with the writing of the story. I wrote on and on until my hands ached. When I stopped, I found that I had written several pages worth. It amazed me that so much had been written and I hadn’t even noticed. What was even more amazing was the complexity or simplicity of a character, plot point, or location. Therein, the frustration I felt from being unable to express myself was relieved. Also, I saw how my own anger, joy, hate, love, kindness, laziness, and determination were brought to life through the characters I had created. Their unique thoughts and skills were all things I imagined and mine alone. I think for any writer that is the greatest satisfaction of all, that a story we forge in our minds can be read and seen as unique by one person or thousands of people. Through our devotion and imagination our feelings and thoughts can touch so many. This I believe.