This I Believe

Janine - Cleveland, Ohio
Entered on November 11, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50

The kind waitress blurted out to me as I was leaving the restaurant with a cards and flowers in my hand “I hope you have a very happy rest of your birthday!” Wow, that was very nice of her to take note I thought to myself. Considering that my actual birthday was 3 months past I smiled and said thank you quite cheerfully.

What she did not know is that yes, my actual date of birth was August 17th. But today, November 10th was the day I decided to live again. I guess in sorts today was my re-birthday.

After suffering the loss of the only true love I ever had on July 26th my life began a steady spiral downwards to depths that I never thought it could or would ever go.

I was suffering from severe emotional pain and depression. I became a track star running from facing the reality that life dealt me. The pain began with the loss of a person and ended with a loss of myself.

My days were spent hanging onto the past white knuckled not wanting to let go. I tried to get over it, I tried to move on. But, I couldn’t forget. On that hot summer night my life appeared to end. I was curled up in a fetal position on the deck for how long I do not know sobbing and crying. I remember the sun rising through my tears. Later on I learned that the sun rose twice while I was out there. I spent 2 days asking God over and over again “Why me?” Every day from their out seemed to be a blur, I got up every morning and reminded myself to breathe in and breathe out. I let myself go, I did not smile, I did not want to leave the house, I did not want to be happy again. I had it all, and I lost it.

I was always proud to day that I was never a drinker, I would preach to people that alcohol could never solve a problem and that suicide was only a temporary solution. But on that cold fall night I found solace in a bottle and began drinking the pain away. I decided in that very moment that I did not want to live any longer. I tried to drink the pain a way to the point where I passed out on my kitchen floor in the same position that I was in back in July. I spiraled down lower then I ever imagined. That November night was my breaking point, the lowest part of my life occurred in that instant. It was then after crawling up to my bed that I made the conscious decision to go up. I was at rock bottom and that I a choice to make. Bottom out or crawl up and out. So, that is what I decided to do, I decided to start climbing up. I went out to dinner with friends for the first time since my loss. I was greeted with flowers, candy and cards. It did feel like my birthday.

I believe that at any one moment in your life you can choose to live and love again. You can have another Birthday. So, this November 10th 2007 is my re-birthday, the day that I choose to raise up and climb out of the darkness that I was in. I was always told that you need to hit rock bottom. And rock bottom is where I hit, and I hit it hard at full force. Bruised and battered from my experiences, I learned I was strong and I can endure. So, I believe that yes, today is my birthday and I will hold my head high and start life from this moment on.