This I Believe

Doris - Syracuse, New York
Entered on September 4, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: family, love

There are many things in this world that I don’t believe in but the one thing that I always believe with all my heart is that my mother loves me. She never says it but she always tries to express it though her actions. Not once, in my 18 years of life, have I ever heard her say, “I love you” to me or to her husband. There were times when I wondered if they just get married just so my dad could come to America.

When I was younger, my mother could work long shifts just so she can earn more money to support our family. Due to that fact, I only saw her for two and a half hours each day, and because I was young, I didn’t understand why she was never there for me. She was never there to praise me for my achievements nor was she there to comfort me when I cried. During those 2 hours that she was there, the words that come out of her mouth were degrading and hurtful, words like “useless”, “dumb” and “good for nothing.” In retaliation, I would scream about how much I hated her and how I wished I didn’t have her for a mother. As a child, I always thought she wanted me to disappear because she would she always say, “If you wouldn’t born, I wouldn’t be having such a headache everyday.”

As I get older, I begin to understand her better and learned to disregard many of the degrading things she says because that is not what she really meant. She would never say the words, “I love you” nor praise me because no one ever said that to her. She would treat me same way that her brother had treated her in the past and because of that, my mother became the type of person that would never say her true feeling. Instead, it would show though her actions. When she called me stupid, it was meant to be an encouragement to get me to do better in school and she would prove that by trying to buy the best supplies for me even though they were expensive. When she calls me 6 times every day to complain about my laziness, my sleeping hours or my grades, that is just an excuse to hear my voice and to make sure I am all right. Every time I go home for vacation, she would tell me I have gotten fatter and need to lose weight, but she would serve all my favorites for dinner.

One action that proves she cares is her inability to hit my sister and me. No matter how angry she gets, she will never strike us because she fears losing us to child protective services. To some people, it may seem to be a strange mother/daughter relationship but I couldn’t ask for a better mother. This I believe proves that my mother loves me, even though she says the opposite.