This I Believe

anna - FOrt Worth, Texas
Entered on July 27, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
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Life Altering Mishaps and Wrenches

There are times in your life when you are thrown a wrench and as one friend had told me you throw it back. I have been dealt a good amount of wrenches. Persistant struggles with my family. Sometimes you can only do what you have to do to survive and make it through the situation and it may possibly mean turning a blind eye to circumstances that you do not agree with and think optomistcally even when the odds are against you, but have faith and you know that eventually you will find a way to aleviate yourself from what you see as that reoccuring thorn in your side.

I feel as though I have struggled in my lifetime. At one point I had felt that I was damaged and that I lacked some substance, self worth or direction because I lacked a realtionship with my parents. My father was busy working and traveling in the military and had closed himself off to conecting with us. My mother throught my life and to this day, is challenged with the ability to fully speak and comprehend english. I beleive that parental supervision and connecting with your parents is important to a child’s life, it helps shape their thought’s, actions and character, it is vital to a child’s upbringing and is a necessatiy to their future. I have both with my eyes closed and opened, journeyed and ventured through my life trying to find these things. I ‘m not saying that I have had the worst life compared to others, but it’s I beleive that the things that don’t kill you only make you stronger.

I have often found myself gazing into others lives and longing for a smidgen of the things people may have taken for granted. Life has it’s subtle ways of giving you mishaps that do mold you.

I cannot exactly pinpoint the time when I felt my family fell apart. Perhaps at the age of 12 when I tried to take my own life. The only thought that had going through my head, was I wanted the fighting to stop and the abuse to stop, so I decided to take my own life. It was my attempt at trying to end the suffering and a slight chance that my family would realize that they needed help. I was too young to realize that suicide was selfish and that my family probably would have been quite more miserable if I was successful. While I was hospitalized I remember my psyche doctor counseling me and asking what goal I had for my family. I told her that I wanted them to love one another. Even though we have gone through numerous unsuccessful family counseling sessions, we are all still distant and detachhed to this day.

There are the days I long for the loving advice of a mother and the sweet hugs a mother is able to bestow to her children. I have taught myself to look for it in other people. Woman who stand out as motherly figures. I long for the closness I see daughters have with their fathers and although I never had a good close relationship with my father, I would give anything to have had a father raise me with a gentle hand. When I think about John Mayers song “Daughters” I do realize that maybe my life would have been different.

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

“- John Mayer

It has taken me years to realize that the actions of my parents, have affected me. In disconnecting myself with my family I had set a goal to find ways to self medicate myself. Although I feel I may lack the proper tools, often there are times I stumbled upon them miscelaneous psychology articles, radio shows, t.v. shows or people with similar circumstances. I always find myself smiling afterwards or laughing, that I got a little bit wiser and what great joy there is in the mystery of oneself. I beleive that there is a force greater than ourselves that guides us to make the right choices, that there is some divinve force that protects us and helps us and to have faith and assure yourself it is going to be o-kay and that events in your life sculpt you for a reason.

I am person that beleives in signs, mystical things like foresight and good forutne and optomism. I sometimes look for signs to instruct me on my unpredictable future to assure I am headed in the right direction. There have also been times I think there are sign warning me that something bad is going to happen and as one of my best firends says I need to get out my tools sharpen them and prepare for the batle that lies ahead. How long will the battle last? I am not sure. I also beleive that is solely up to me and I decided when to raise that flag of defeat, surrendered or conquest.

Since one door has closed to me a million more have opened since I was thrown that wrench. In loosing a family I gained a family with my close friends. In loosing a Mother I gained many Mothers, and woman who may not have ever thought to have looked at themselves as a motherly figure. In loosing a father I challenged to all and many men in my life, the challenge of being kind never laying a hand on me and being a role model so that I would one day remember them and know who the man of my dreams was.

In loosing all these things, I have gained an appreciation and I am grateful for the things I didn’t have in my life. I do realize that in longing for these things that one day I will have these things and maybe even move on in mylife where I will not long for these things. I do not feel crippled, it only makes me greatful, for whenver I have even got a connection with someone who has filled these voids, it makes me so greatful and I beleive that if i had not have gone without it I would have never have realized how powerful and wonderful and thankful I would be just for a second of it.

I beleive that everything sculpts you and I decided what I take, what I cherish and what I disregard. I plan to take the love and support I have been given in my life. I plan to take the knowlegde, faith and love my religion gives me. I even plan to take from those unfortunate mishaps in my life. I choose to leave the past behind, but I will always remember the important lessons I learned and to reframe from possibly ever having to be in a similar situation again or subjecting someone to it.

I am thankful for everything I have fully encountered in my life. It has made me the person I am today. The choices I have made have not been the best nor have they been the worst but I am reassured that the choices I have to make will be the most influential ones that will make the greatest impact on my life and others.

You have the choice to encompass yourself with optomism, self doses of love and wisdom and pass it onto others. Be the person that makes deposits in life rather than withdrawls. I beleive that people can either bring out the worst in you or the best in you. I say be the person that makes them want to bring out the best in you and themselves.