This I Believe

xiumei - xi`an, China
Entered on June 21, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: family, love, setbacks
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Love doesn’t involve reason

When my parents got divorced four years ago, I thought it was a right decision. My family was just like a battlefield. My parents quarreled everyday over everything. My mother loved my father, but she couldn’t bear my father’s bad temper. Sometimes they may even come to blows. My mother would get covered in bruises. This made my heart ache. I hated my father for his cruelty and indifference to us. He had never shown any affection for his children.

I used to pride myself on my reasoning on things. I believe love is a kind of investment-if I have showed my love for someone, then I should get some reward or response, otherwise I would withdraw my love no matter willingly or unwillingly. I believe it is true of the relationship in my family too. The conflicts made all of us suffer. Love could not survive in this condition. It is wise to get a solution.

I was right. My parents eventually divorced each other. We all get freed. I was clear about my stand. I would live with my mother. My father and I would be strangers to each other. And neither of us would feel guilty or uneasy about this.

Later on I left home to go to college. Everyday I was busy with my study. I never talked about my father. My classmates secretly guessed that I had no father. On Father’s Day they would not give regards to my father for fear of hurting my feelings. In fact I seldom thought about my father. I was used to the “no-father-care” life. I called back home regularly. Occasionally mother would mention something about my father. I paid little attention to it. I didn’t think I cared about it.

Then one day I suddenly got the news that my father’s house had been torn down by the tornado. My heart was in my mouth at that moment. Thank God it turned out that my father had escaped unscathed. It was only after the event that I realized how dreadful it would be if my father really died. It was just like an integral part of mine had been taken away.

My reaction confused me. It was against my “investment-reward” theory. Obviously I have got no spiritual or material benefit from my father. I believed I get no love from my father and also I had no affection for him. But at that very moment I found all the hatred I harbored against my father had disappeared. My mother told me this was because of my love for my father.

It takes time for me to understand this love thing. I tried hard and it finally occurred to me that love is a thing with magic power. It is invisible in ordinary life; so I have not been aware of it But once it appeared, it can even let the rationality make way for it; so I worried for my father despite of myself. It can survive regardless of suppressions.

My father and I are still not intimate with each other. But I know that I would be beside myself with anxiety if something bad happens to my father. My reason was defeated by my low-keyed love. That is, love doesn’t involve reason, it is the voice from the bottom of your heart, and this is my belief.