This I Believe

Brittany - Provo, Utah
Entered on May 23, 2007
Age Group: Under 18

I hate you. In fact, I couldn’t hate you more if I tried. It’s the way you look, the way you act, the way you talk. Actually, its just you. You aren’t who I want you to be. I don’t even think you are who you want to be. And I accept that.

I believe in acceptance regardless of personal feelings.

I couldn’t always accept people for who they are; I couldn’t agree with what they were doing, or that they could self-destruct knowingly and do absolutely nothing about it.

I don’t remember when exactly my sister became addicted to methamphetamines. But I remember when she overdosed. I remember sitting in the cold, plastic hospital chairs and watching her in the bed. They were clearing her system. She could have died. And all she could think about was who got her which present and why weren’t there more. I remember being so incredibly angry, but I had to set that aside. She was my sister; I couldn’t change her.

Later on, we put her in rehab. She was sixteen, I was nine. When we’d go visit her she’d tell us about what nuts her roommates were. So there I’d sit, wondering how she could judge and condemn all of those people so openly when most of them were in there for the same reason she was. She told us she was better when she got out: later I found out she was still doing methamphetamines.

I could not treat her like everyone else. I couldn’t see past her many addictions. I couldn’t forget what I’d seen. I couldn’t look at her for a long time without picturing her in that hospital bed. I couldn’t believe how angry it made me.

Eventually, I changed. I had to. While I was harboring feelings that were slowly destroying me as a person, she continued her life the way she always had. I had to accept that; I had to accept her.

Of course, she was not the first or only one in my life that tried my ability to accept, no matter what my feelings were in any given situation. But acceptance doesn’t mean trust, agreement, belief, or support. It’s easy to ignore good people’s faults. It’s not so easy to see passed the faults when that person has so many. If you’re like me, though, you realize how many faults you have, then you can’t judge others so easily. Everybody’s different with their own personal feelings and reasons. I don’t fit into the mold I want to. And I accept that.

The hardest thing in the world is acceptance. Its so easy to hate what you fear or adopt someone else’s hate for no other reason than they have influence on your life. Truth be told, there is no reason to treat someone as inferior, whether you feel they are or not. I believe in acceptance regardless of personal feelings. I have to. It just isn’t my place to judge.