This I Believe

heather - queen creek, Arizona
Entered on May 18, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30

Mom. It’s ironic to me that something so complex and intricate can be summed up in three simple letters. But then again, if the eword mom had as many letters as it deserved it would no longer fit in textbooks. My whole life I have been dreaming of the day when I get to go by that three-letter word. To me mothers are the most important things in this world, in this universe. Mothers are able to play so many roles: doctors, teachers, role models, and movie stars. Being a mom is central to my final identity.

When I go to the mall or movies with my friends, I always silently observe the families, the mom with their children. I watch with greedy eyes, like a small child watching their friend unwrap gifts at their birthday party, longing for their own birthday party. I long to develop that relationship to become that someone, who I have only been able to watch. I believe that moms are given a precious opportunity to grow and cherish a new identity, the identity of motherhood; I expect to merge into that cycle someday.

Unfortunately and fortunately that someday came unpredicted. In September of my senior year I discovered that I was expecting. My dream had come true; I was about to merge into that lifestyle. Was it the ideal way I had planned in my head? No, of course not. Emotions pounded throughout my entire body. I felt trapped, like a huge ocean wave had crashed on top of me without warning before I had a chance to take a deep breath. However, I was ready, or I was going to get ready. I was going to move forward grow and embrace this rare opportunity. After all it was my dream, it was what I had longed for, for so long.

However, fate had different plans for my dream. No one could explain what went wrong. They told me it could have been. It was an unexplained miscarriage. I lost hope of those three letters. Within an instant my heart, which had been neatly placed on a silver platter, was stolen and, ripped to pieces. I felt hopeless, crushed, like nothing mattered. I couldn’t understand how something that I had longed for, could just, vanish. Then I realized that this was just a test. A test to prove that I was able to be a good mom, to make sure I always stick it out through the rough and pleasant times. I then began to embrace my loss and take a deeper understanding to the word mom. I learned the hard that the word is never a permanent title, or guarantee and constant lifestyle.

Being a mom isn’t easy, but I’m up for the challenge. I will have to travel down new paths, blaze a new trail. I hope that my trail takes me someplace unimaginable. Even though mom only has three letters, maybe that’s all it needs. Even though a mom is complex and irreplaceable, she deserves a simple name, something easy to find and small enough for even the tinniest fingers to grasp. I believe in motherhood.