This I Believe

jazeb - Amherst, Massachusetts
Entered on May 15, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: love, question

This I believe

I believe in love, before when I heard about love, I would think about how exactly people know that they are in love. When I hear people claim that they are in love, I would even smile at them and think they just do not know what they are talking about. The reason why is because I thought of love as in we all love a person until we meet the next person we think is the person who we want to be with, and also spend time with. So actually it is not love that we say it is but it’s the feelings we have for that person at the present time. I thought I would never fall in love and it is a phase that we all go through.

It was last summer when I met someone who I thought I just had a crush on but it was more than a crush. It took me a little time to realize that without that girl being around me at times or if I do not talk to her once a day every thing seems different to me. For all I know I was thinking it is just for the time being but things were not the same as I predicted them to be. School started and I had to come back to school, the thought of being away from her was just too hard for me. I would keep my head off her but as much as I tired I could not, and it was hard because once you know something you cannot block it.

Before meeting her I would go home once a month or so but during that semester I went home every weekend and whenever I had that exact chance to go back. My friends noticed a lot of changes in my being but I think I was in denial. I would even make excuses to them for going home every weekend. One day my friend Stew asked me if I am in love with Luli. I replied and told him that “I would never fall in love and it is for weak people but in actuality I was in love. The whole matter was that I could not face the fact that love can make you do things you thought of never doing before; things that are considered to be unfathomable.

Now that I think of what I said before meeting Luli, I smile and think about how naïve I was for just saying that love does not exist. All the people who told me all along about love where right and I was the one who was in denial. To be quite honest, I did not know anything about love at the first impression. I always like to disbelieve that love will not ever occur in my lifetime. I always think that love is just something that someone simply fantasies about, almost as if it something from a fairy tale. My problem again is that I am in a stage right now where I cannot seem to believe in love.

I should try to change my views on that though because you can come across someone, whom you can feel absolutely comfortable with, treat that person with the up most in caring or respect. However and most importantly, when you finally realize that the person you have come across is the best suited person for you, your body is in complete awe. You try to make yourself available at all times of the day, just for the sake and being of that one person. Whenever you come across a person that can make you care about that person in such great multitudes of love, it is a feeling that is pure ecstasy. That feeling is also something you want to last for an eternity.

The most important aspect of love that I need to focus on and realize is that it certainly conquers all bad in life. If you are having a horrible day at your job, you can always think the one you love back at home and that should ease your soul back into a pleasant state of mind. This is how I want to really feel whenever I am around that special girl Luli. She simply fulfills the empty that exists in my life and that is something that I simply adore about her. She is so incredible to the point where she would make me want to sing for her in public, regardless if I have a very raspy voice, she would just urge me to do such a thing. That is also how bad I have it for her. Whenever she comes across my mind, I sometimes need space to myself to simply smile excessively due to her living in my mind.

I need to reevaluate though how I see love, or better yet accept it when it is there in front of my eyes begging for to take it part of its divine work. Many reasons can come across the drawing board as to why I may feel this way about accepting love to a girl that I so merrily enjoy. I could be afraid of my being becoming in pain if things in our possible relationship do not seem to work the way I would want it to work. Maybe I feel as if love will be conquered by one of our greedy, selfish and unnecessary desires for some other person; temptation can be an obstacle of extreme difficult to fight off at times. Someone would probably say to me that I do not feel love because I envy others who actually do feel it with their soul mates.

Maybe I do feel envy when I see a good couple express their love for each other and also towards each other, because I lack someone I can possibly do those things to. If I do discover that I actually do feel that way, then I would certainly take a step back and try to fluctuate my ways of loving. I would try to lean more towards trying to love someone and feeling complete warmth around their presence. If I can let that grasp go of my stubbornness to believe in a beautiful aspect such as love.

When it comes to loving someone though, I do not want to force that act on myself and especially on someone that I really care about, and would quite possibly die for. For instance to bring Luli in to the flow of things, I would not ever force the pace of love on her. That is something that has to happen on its own because when it does the timing is perfect; love is perfect so when it arrives at certain period in someone’s life, that person knows he/she will be in love with the other person they come across. If I were to ever force love on Luli, I would not be able to forgive myself. I would not be able to even go out and face the world since I would feel so ashamed of myself. And the pain and anger that would flow through my veins and body, would be overwhelming for my body.

If I can just believe that love can come much more easily and much more quickly, then I would have no doubts about its power. I happen to be a very impatient person when it comes to what I want in life. I have this quality where if I see something, then I must attain that prize possession immediately. After seeing Luli countless times over this past year, I just want to have her all to myself but I want to have her by ways of love, not just sex. I enjoy sex like every other male, but most importantly I need to believe that in love and that love has to be there to maintain the relationship, and to keep it on its grounds. The funny thing about seeing Luli though is I want to love her. There is something about her that forces me to love and it could be any of her best attributes. I also like when she gets a little bit angry at me because it fuels my passion to want to love. It also shows that I can actually love her through any of her expressions, feelings or thoughts. When that can be an accomplished task of someone, then you know that love truly exists between the two. I still feel as if though that I cannot seem to fully put my faith into it.