This I Believe

Yvetta - Greenville, South Carolina
Entered on May 8, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
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In vinum veritas. In wine lies truth. I believe that wine reveals many truths, both good and bad.

Many a dinner party, I have shared a bottle or two with close friends and family, a supple fruit and lingering finish beneath the creamy flesh of a succulent roasted duckling or between mouths full of silky chocolate truffle and bright, ripe raspberries. We clink glasses, giggling in glee, naming endlessly the list of reasons this very meal would be written down in the glorious history of ourselves as one of our favorite moments together.

Recently, though, I had a not-so-wonderful moment while supposedly toasting fondness and friendship. I hurt someone I think the world of. The wine unleashed in me a cutting tongue and piercing eyes that affected him deeply. When I dig deep into the very truth of my soul, I am, in truth, alone. Regardless of how hard I work and how much love and life I strive to make the core of my foundation, deep down I am still a young child, alone. I am a young girl, told she is unwanted and not worth the trouble of having to clothe, feed or love. I am in a dark closet for days at a time whenever my caretaker is too unavailable to take care of me. I am beaten, badly, by belt buckles and brooms and then made to go away. I am touched and abused the way no young girl ever should be. This is the deep truth that I try so hard to hide from judgment by the rest of the world. After all, how can a girl with such a bitter past and constant set-backs possibly be worth anything in the world today? Of course she’s bitter…of course she’s crazy! How could she not be? Under the influence of wine I had unleashed a part in me that had all but accused him of being that person who had left that young girl all alone.

In truth, I am aware of this young girl all the time. She drives me…sometimes too much so, but always with the idea of the best possible outcome in mind. I read and I learn and I listen and I write and I feel and I contemplate. I look for the light in other people’s eyes and I’m nourished. I spend time in the sun, birds singing and leaves rustling in the wind, and cleanse my soul. And I believe: I believe that every day is better than the day before. I believe that it is impossible for me to not have a beautiful and meaningful life, because I have already accomplished so much given the obstacles I have to overcome. I believe I am the best possible person I can be except for when I’m working hard to become even better.

Truthfully, right now is a struggle. I am at a point in my life where I want deeply to share love with someone and I’m neither skilled nor experienced nor confident on how to do it. Someone I cherish recently brought to light that my dark side is a possible hindrance for ever achieving complete and total happiness. This hurt more than anything has ever hurt me in my life. All this time I had thought I had done and gained so much, but as they say: truth hurts. Had I?

I don’t have the typical life—there are no clearly carved paths for what I will do career wise or relationship wise or family wise. There is only a clear path for loving myself and choosing love for my life. The only goal I need right now is love. No matter where I am, I will carry love in my heart. I have recently hurt someone I love by letting the opinions and thoughts of others shadow my compassionate heart, sensitive nature and need to share my life with someone who loves me back: me.

The next time I have one too many glasses of wine, which is not too frequent but happens on occasion, I will listen to the honesty in my soul. I will leave behind my pain and worry and open the door to a young child who is simply unable to hold back anymore. I will be free and happy and close that door on that someone—anyone—who is unable to love me back, whatever excuses and reasons they may give.

And one day, I believe, I will toast, happily and without the “mean-streak” of a bitter drunk, the truth within my soul.