This I Believe

Madeline - Denver, California
Entered on May 6, 2007
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: family, setbacks

Beyond the Apparent

My family of five, turned into four, sometimes three. Devastated with what was going on, I chose not to see the person who created my life, and put me on this earth. Convincing myself I was happy, portraying the person I thought they wanted to see; while inside my heart was constantly being ripped apart. Pain was the feeling behind my false smile, yet I kept it concealed from the rest of the world.

Happiness was a luxury I was soon unable to obtain. My whole life was torn into a million pieces in the period of 30 seconds. It’s amazing how life can be so perfect one second, and the next it can be like living in an alternate reality. You can barley remember how life used to be a minute ago, because it vanished right before your eyes.

I will never forget that day, the day that we had our first family meeting. We all sat down, not knowing what was going on. Knowing it had to be done; my dad opened his mouth, and uttered the phrase that erased all recognition of the man I thought I knew. “Your mother and I don’t love each other any more.” I remember feeling the most shock and disbelief I had heard in the whole 13 years of my life.

I believe just because a child is supposed to love her father, doesn’t always mean she necessarily does. A father is supposed to be a person who a child can count on, and can entrust their secrets with. Yet, sometimes something somewhere goes wrong. The person who is supposed to be there, isn’t, failing at his duty as father.

People believe that a child needs a father in some portion of their life. However some children believe that their father is not an important aspect of their life, leading them to their decision to dispose of that part of their life. For a while, the child believes that he or she has made the right decision, yet continually feels like there is something missing.

I hated my father, and I hated what he had become, yet why did I question my decision? And then it came to me, I wanted a father, not necessarily him. I wanted to be loved, and to have what every other normal kid had. It was then that I realized, I would never have that, I would never have what anyone else had, and I had to live with that fact. My family would never be whole again, and my father would never be the person I wanted him to be. Every child wants that’s sense of belonging, that sense of security, yet some are not always able to obtain that.

I couldn’t change that, and I couldn’t change him, he was going to continue to, without faltering in the authority of his own decisions. By his choice, he removed himself from his niche, and it was then that I was able to see, beyond the apparent.

You may think you know someone, but when it comes down to it all, you really don’t. They could be who you think they are, or they could be hiding behind the true them. I thought my father to be this amazing, caring person, when in the end it was all just a cover up for the real him.