This I Believe

Pilar - St. Charles, Missouri
Entered on March 20, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: death
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I Believe in the Healing Power of Dreams

Gabriel, our first son, would have being 18 years old and graduating from high school this spring. My husband and I lost Gabriel a winter day to sudden infant death at the tender age of four and a half months. He died while taking his morning nap at my babysitter’s home. That January morning I left Gabriel laughing in my sister’s arms. A few hours later, a desperate call from my babysitter to my office shuttered my heart in a thousand pieces. By the time I arrived to her home, Gabriel had already being pronounced dead and moms were arriving to pick up their kids. Oh, how I envied those mothers, I just wanted to take Gabriel home, but I could not.

In those very early days of unbearable grieving, when Gabriel lost manifested itself as a big empty hole in my abdomen and the desired to hold him was more than I could bear, I had three dreams, three days in a row that I believe they were a very special gift that help me with the healing process of such a devastated lost, even though Gabriel or his lost were not overtly present in these dreams.

In the first dream, my husband and I were going for a walk to the outskirts of my childhood town in central Spain, when all of the sudden, we found ourselves in this beautiful tropical beach and open sea where a family of dolphins, parents and child, were swimming in and out of the water in the early morning. I went down through a gentle sandy slope to the beach to get closer look of the dolphins, they were beautiful in the glorious morning sun. When they disappear on the horizon, I turned back to join my husband, but what it had been a gentle sandy slope on my way to the beach had become an insurmountable mound impossible to climb by myself, when I looked up, I saw my husband’s hand reaching to help me.

In the second dream I found myself again in my childhood town as a young girl going for an afternoon walk with my friends, when all of the sudden I saw someone coming towards us in a wheel chair. I stepped forward to meet the person, and as I got closer I realized that the person in the wheel chair was myself. The healthy me wanted to help the broken me, but the broken me told me not to worry about her, just lock her up and she’ll be fine.

In the third dream I was at the site of a house fire that was just put out. The street was covered with dead butterflies soaked in water. My babysitter was there and I assumed it was her house. I approach her to let her know how sorry I was about the lost of her home. She replied that I should not worry about her; the burned house was not her home. Her home was somewhere else.

I woke up from all three dreams with a sense of peace and awe knowing that I had just being given a very special gift. I believe that my healthy grieving for Gabriel lost, where not even once I was angry about his death, where my husband and I celebrated and were very thankful for his wonderful short life and where in spite of my pain, I was able to feel my babysitter’s pain, was only possible by the healing power of these dreams.